Playing Poker

The other night my boyfriend and I went for a walk. One of those late night walks that lasted a few hours. One of those walks where we talked nonstop about life for the entire night.

A couple of times I stopped and just smiled. When I did this he would think there was something wrong, but in all actuality, there was nothing wrong at all.

Its kinda silly, but I was just stopping to take it all in. I wanted to remember that moment because I am walking on new ground with this relationship. You would think there would be nothing new to me when it comes to relationships, as I am 31 years old.

Honestly, I find it hard to believe I can find anything at all to talk about for that long with this man. I have known him for almost twelve years we have nothing in common. Nothing is a bad word to use here. Let's just say opposites attract.

I am a politically conservative Christian and I attend a Missionary Church. I love watching dramas and chick flicks, with an occasional action or suspense movie. I love the food channel. I love reading and collecting old books, but really just love to read the classic literature and poetry. I love the farm life and living in a small town. I am happiest when surrounded by all the people I love. I love a good debate, so long as I am not the one debating.

He is a Catholic Democrat.

Yep that's right. He is an oxy moron and I tell him so all the time. He is a Catholic Democrat that loves to watch the history channel and the science channel for hours on end. He enjoys action and science fiction movies. He seems to prefer to read non-fiction as opposed to classic novels, however has read more classic literature than I probably have. He also loves to be surrounded by loved ones, but is always the one at the center of any debate. He's from Chicago and loves the city life.

But....

We have some important things in common, other than the fact that we share the same friends. We both love God and believe that Jesus Christ died on the cross so that we could be saved. We both love animals and collecting old books. We both love to be surrounded by loved ones. We have both been through the heartache of a Divorce that we didn't want....

Yup, that's about it for the commonalities between us. Oh yeah, and we enjoy going for walks.

I had a point here before I got side tracked....

Oh yeah....During our walk I stopped to take it all in. The newness of the relationship and the time we were sharing together. I don't remember a conversation ever lasting for hours on end with my ex husband, and we were together for ten years.

I mentioned this thought to my boyfriend and he started talking about how this is definitely not where he would ever see his life going. He used the phrase, "playing with the Hand the God deals you."

I thought it was funny at the time, as we were discussing past relationships and how we got to where we are today. But the more I thought about it, the more I realized it was true.

Life is kinda a game of poker.

The perfect life is a Royal Flush. The odds of getting dealt that hand are slim to none...so we hope for a full house.

Sometimes we are dealt crap. We can either fold or try to bluff in hopes of getting by. We trade in a few cards in hopes of getting something better. Sometimes we win, sometimes we lose.

Point being.......

I wish I could just fold, but I have to much pride for that. I am gonna play the cards God put in front of me. I might win and I might lose.

But I am gonna keep playing till God gives me a full house.

Plan B

Tonight, I attended Wednesday night Church for the first time since youth group. A friend directed me up to a class called "Plan B." In a nutshell, it talked about how to deal when things in your life that don't go the way they are supposed to....when you are forced to revert to "plan B."

It was, unfortunately, the last class in the session, but it still hit home.

My whole life right now is my Plan B. Well.....maybe Plan C, or Plan Z......depending on what part of my life we are talking about.

Obviously, Plan A disintegrated the day Chad told me he didn't love me anymore. Though I tried to change his mind, I was forced to move on to Plan B.

PLAN B: Life without Chad

In the class, he asked what surprised us the most about ourselves after the events that occured forced us to move on to Plan B. The answer in my head was instant.

I AM strong.

Over the last year, I have learned that I have strength that I never knew I had. I heard so many times when I was going through it all that "God will not give you more than you can handle." There were times I would hear this several times a day.

There were times I wanted to punch the people in the face that were saying it, too. (Of course, I never really punched anyone in the face because I am not a violent person. I know that they just cared and wanted me to know that God cared too.)

Don't get me wrong, it wasn't that I didn't believe what they were saying. I KNEW without a doubt that God would give me the strength. Seriously, though.......did I have to hear it every time someone tried to encourage me.

There was a point in time where I thought God had way more faith in me than I had in myself. Did God seriously think I could handle all of this? It wasn't just the divorce, there was other things going on in life that were also not the way they were supposed to be. I had such a heavy load, that I thought my back was going to break. My feet were going to give out from underneath me. I wanted to look up at the sky and say "Seriously, God? Are you sure?"

But......

I made it through. God walked beside me the whole way. And on those days that I felt like the ground was going to give way underneigth me, he carried me.

I felt like I was standing on a ledge. I felt like I was gonna fall. But I knew that God wouldn't let me fall, and if by some chance I did fall.........God would be there to catch me or give me wings to fly.

Plan B is not what I had planned on, but the sky is the limit and I have wings to fly.

Dancing around the Truth

"Why can't we be a family anymore?"
"Why don't you live with daddy now?"
"How come Samantha gets to live with daddy instead of you?"
"Will we ever be able to live together with you and daddy?"
"I want you to come over so you can see daddy. Can you?"
"Why aren't you and daddy married anymore?"
"Lil Grandma says that daddy doesn't love you anymore. Why?"
"Did you and daddy fight all the time?"
"Will my cousin Michael ever get to see my daddy again?"


AND THE WORST ONE YET.........

"Mommy, I have a wish but my wish will never come true......Mommy, If I wished that you and daddy could live together as roommates again, do you think that wish would come true? It's ok mommy, I know it won't come true."



After over a year, I like to think that I am doing better than most people would be under the same circumstances. God has shown me love. He has given me strength. I have done a great job of moving on and making my life better. I am happy and healthy. I don't get sad when I think about Chad or the divorce. Not even a little bit. That the honest truth.

But when it comes to the innocent, heartfelt questions from, my five year old, my heart breaks. My heart doesn't break for me. I can deal with what the choices my ex husband has made have done to me. My heart breaks for Christina and Logan.

How do you answer these questions? How do I explain such things to a Six year old, especially when I don't even know all the answers?

So I do the best I can, because I refuse to be the one that says bad things about the other parent. I refuse to lie to her, but there are some things that I know she just won't understand. So I sidestep my way around answering the questions completely. Someday, when the time is right she will want real answers. When that time comes, hopefully, a long time from now, I will tell her.

Until then, I am dancing around the truth........

SMILE by Judy Garland (Just so I know where to find the lyrics quickly)

Smile though your heart is aching
Smile, even though it's breaking
When there are clouds, in the sky, you'll get by

If you smile, through your fear and sorrow
Smile, and there'll be tomorrow
You'll see the sun come shining through

If you'll....

Light up your face with gladness
Hide every trace of sadness
Although a tear, may be ever so near,

That's the time, you must keep on trying
Smile, what's the use of crying?
You'll find that life is still worthwhile,

If you'll just....

Light up your face with gladness
Hide every trace of sadness
Although a tear, may be ever so near,

That's the time, you must keep on trying
Smile, what's the use of crying?
You'll find that life is still worthwhile,

If you'll just....

Smile

Roller Coaster Ride

When I was married to Chad, I used to get frustrated with one of my friends. She would constantly complain about how hard her life was because she was a single parent. Life was never going well. It was always a roller coaster. Life was so up and down. I mean seriously, can't you look at the bright side of things? Find something positive for once?

Well, now the shoe is on the other foot. I have come to realize that LIFE IS HARD as a single mom and some days, like today, all I want to do it complain. Its hard even though as single moms go, I have it easy. I have a great job. I have supportive family and friends. I don't have to struggle to find baby sitters. I have an ex that is supportive of my discipline, if need be. I know he will back me up when it comes to the kids, even if we don't see eye to eye on a personal level. AND he pays his child support. (Yup....the whole $13 a week.)

It is hard though. It is frustrating because you are doing a job that God intended two people to do. You definitely need two people for this job because its not just any roller coaster. It is the Mean Streak. The Millennium Force. The Beast. It is the tallest, the fastest and the bumpiest roller coaster I have ever been on.

But........

That's life. Life is a roller coaster no matter who you are....single, married........18, 25, 60 years old........high school, college.....Kids, no kids.......working, unemployed........doesn't matter.

Life is gonna flip and turn. Its gonna take you up so high and then its gonna rocket you down ten times faster than when you went up. You are gonna want to scream. You might want to close your eyes and wait for it to be over. Sometimes its gonna make you just plain nauseous.

But its also gonna be exciting. It will be thrilling. It will make you laugh. It will be the ride of your life.

So on rough days, or weeks, like I have had when all I feel like I have done is complain, I try to look at the positive. And there is so much positive in my life. I have a great life. I have an awesome life.

So, I am done complaining. I am just gonna find something to smile about today. It will get better. I KNOW it will get better.

I know this because every roller coaster comes to an end. And when this one is over, I am gonna stand in line for the next one.

Livin' A Double Life

Every Friday, when I get off of work at midnight, I often drive home with a feeling of emptiness, and a little bit of sadness, too. I usually get over it really quick, and am often feeling great by the time I wake up on Saturday morning and drive back into work at 8 am. But, every Friday, the feeling returns. At least I know why it is there, which is most likely why I get over it so quick.

I live a double life. At least that is the way it seems.

On Friday I drive into work knowing that I won't see my kids for about three and a half days. I do the same thing every weekend when I don't have them. Friday I work 2 pm till close, then I turn around and work a 12 to 14 hour shift on Saturdays which I start at 8 am. Sundays, if I manage to be off work, I usually spend trying not to fall asleep from the exhausting week. And usually I fail miserably at it and spend my only weekend day off sleeping. Monday I work all day. By all day, I mean ALL day as in I go in at 8:30 am and don't leave till 10 pm.

On Tuesdays I return to work first thing and usually rush home because I can't wait to see my kids. This is the best day of the week for me. Every week without fail, I look forward to Tuesday. Wednesdays, I almost always take off work if I can manage so I can spend the whole day with Christina and Logan. Thursdays I head home as quickly as possible again, because I know they are waiting for me. Friday mornings I spend with the kids, and then after I drop Christina off at school at noon, I head into work.

That's why the emptiness hits on Friday nights. They day most people look forward to is the day I dread. Friday is my Monday. I drive home feeling sad because for the first time since Tuesday I am driving home to an empty apartment. (Well, not technically empty, I have a roommate.)

When my children aren't there, my house doesn't feel like home. I have been known to not stay at my apartment at all on the weekends because it does feel so empty without them.

Now, don't misinterpret what I am saying. I do not spend the whole time without my kids moping around. When I get off work on Saturday, I spend the evening with the amazing man I am seeing. We often just hang out with our friends. On Sundays, I try to go to church if I can manage to wake up, which hasn't been happening much lately, as much as I hate to say it. Then the afternoon is spent with friends and my boyfriend again.

So, life is still good, as I said in a couple earlier post....there's just that twinge of emptiness on the drive home on Fridays. I want my kids with me 7 days a week. I want to not have to work when I do have them so that I can spend all my time with them. Unfortunately, life doesn't always give you what you want. So, I enjoy all the time I can with them, even if it is just listening to them play.

I lead a double life. Tuesday through Friday are completely different that Saturday through Monday. I can't change that. All I can do is enjoy what life has given me on the days that I can.

And life has given me two AMAZING kids.

One Year Later

2010.

Rough.
Sad.
Trying.
Depressing.
Struggle.
Discouraging.

I could think of a million words to describe the events of last year. 2010 was most definitely one of the hardest years I have ever experienced. I have never been so relieved to start a new year. Not that 2010 was ALL bad. There were some positives for sure, but there is one event of last year that will always stick out in my mind.

It has been over a year since I separated from Chad, and it has been 3 months since the divorce was final. As the day that marked a year edged closer, I thought for sure that I was going to be a wreck. I even made plans to spend the weekend follow in Chicago with some really great people that I knew would cheer me up.

Turns out I was wrong. Though the weekend with my college friends was a breath of fresh air, I didn't need the cheering up as badly as I thought I would. It passed like any other day.

No tears.
No regrets.
No sadness.

It was just another day.

I almost felt a tinge of guilt that when I had no feelings towards it at all. After all, I hadn't wanted the separation. I didn't want the divorce. I don't even BELIEVE that divorce is right. Why then, do I feel no remorse over the events of last year?

I contemplated this for a while. I wanted to feel sad about it all. I wanted to be able to sit and cry over the direction my life headed in 2010. But I just couldn't do it. I couldn't be sad about any of it, though I tried.

(Don't get me wrong, there are times I am still angry at what his choices have done to our kids. I have seen the statistics about children from "broken homes." I see the way my daughter acts sometimes. Frankly, it frightens me. I know the reason for a lot of her behaviors, and I will spend her whole childhood trying to make this right. I will do everything in my power to make sure she isn't like the kids those statistics are about)

I realized something when I was pondering the reasons why I was no longer despondent about my failed marriage. Though my world fell apart in one single day in January of last year, I spent the whole year building it back up. I spent a whole year learning a new way of life. Most importantly, I spent the last year learning to accept what had happened, asking God for forgiveness in any part I had in the broken relationship, and starting a new life for myself and my children.

I am a survivor.
I am healthier.
I am happier.
I am stronger.

So what I want to tell everyone, a year later, is that I am doing ok. Great actually. God had plans for me. Really, really great plans for me.

2011..........Here we go!