One Year Later

2010.

Rough.
Sad.
Trying.
Depressing.
Struggle.
Discouraging.

I could think of a million words to describe the events of last year. 2010 was most definitely one of the hardest years I have ever experienced. I have never been so relieved to start a new year. Not that 2010 was ALL bad. There were some positives for sure, but there is one event of last year that will always stick out in my mind.

It has been over a year since I separated from Chad, and it has been 3 months since the divorce was final. As the day that marked a year edged closer, I thought for sure that I was going to be a wreck. I even made plans to spend the weekend follow in Chicago with some really great people that I knew would cheer me up.

Turns out I was wrong. Though the weekend with my college friends was a breath of fresh air, I didn't need the cheering up as badly as I thought I would. It passed like any other day.

No tears.
No regrets.
No sadness.

It was just another day.

I almost felt a tinge of guilt that when I had no feelings towards it at all. After all, I hadn't wanted the separation. I didn't want the divorce. I don't even BELIEVE that divorce is right. Why then, do I feel no remorse over the events of last year?

I contemplated this for a while. I wanted to feel sad about it all. I wanted to be able to sit and cry over the direction my life headed in 2010. But I just couldn't do it. I couldn't be sad about any of it, though I tried.

(Don't get me wrong, there are times I am still angry at what his choices have done to our kids. I have seen the statistics about children from "broken homes." I see the way my daughter acts sometimes. Frankly, it frightens me. I know the reason for a lot of her behaviors, and I will spend her whole childhood trying to make this right. I will do everything in my power to make sure she isn't like the kids those statistics are about)

I realized something when I was pondering the reasons why I was no longer despondent about my failed marriage. Though my world fell apart in one single day in January of last year, I spent the whole year building it back up. I spent a whole year learning a new way of life. Most importantly, I spent the last year learning to accept what had happened, asking God for forgiveness in any part I had in the broken relationship, and starting a new life for myself and my children.

I am a survivor.
I am healthier.
I am happier.
I am stronger.

So what I want to tell everyone, a year later, is that I am doing ok. Great actually. God had plans for me. Really, really great plans for me.

2011..........Here we go!

Christina-isms (AKA Payback for all the times I gave my parents attitude growing up.)

• I recently switched schools for Christina. She is having a hard time understanding why she had to leave her old school with her friends and her teacher she liked. She will get used to it and enjoy her new school as well. She is particularly irritated at the fact that "the bus driver does not know where she lives." You see, we live in an apartment and the bus drops all the kids from the complex off at one spot, which is not in front of our apartment. I am apparently "ruining her life."
• She was not even three the first time I was told I was ruining her life.
• She was only 3 1/2 the first time she told my mom she was frustrated and disgusted with her. Such big words for such a little girl. (I do believe that conversation also included the phrase "ruining her life.")
• I knew I was in trouble when she was only 18 months old. We were having her check up and the doctor was going through his list of questions to see if she was on track developmentally. One question will forever stick out in my mind. He asked if she was starting to put two and three words together. I responded by telling him she was already speaking in short sentences. I proceeded to ask Christina to tell Dr. Reed about the zoo. No joke, she put her hands on her hips and said, "Mom, not today!" Oh, boy!
• Last week we came home after picking the kids up at their dads. We woke up the next morning and as we are walking down the stairs, Logan says, " I gonna clean this mess!" I asked Christina what he said because I didn't think I heard him right. She says, "He said he is gonna clean up the mess. And Frankly mom, I am a little disgusted at all this. I wanted this to be the cleanest house in the world." Apparently, while she was gone, my roommate's son had played in her room and not picked up the toys.
• Calvin and Logan are always ruining her life because they don't do what she wants them to do. But she says she isn't bossy.
• At four, we had her tested into Kindergarten because she missed the deadline by four days. She would still be five before school started and her doctor insisted we should try our hardest to get her in that year because she was ready. During the test, they flipped through this book and asked her to point to the picture that described whatever word they said. The very last word was DILAPIDATED. When the test was over, I asked the Counselor if she got that one right. She had, and I thought it was a guess. So, when we got out to the car, I turned around and asked Christina if she actually knew what dilapidated meant, or if she had guess. She said, "DUH, Mom! It's a broken down building."
  
• They actually did not let her go to kindergarten that year because she refused to write her name. Not that she couldn't, but she wouldn't. She just didn't want to.
• During that same test, they asked her to draw a picture. Then they asked her to tell them about it. She said it was her daddy and he was wearing panties that she drew on him. (I had to throw that one in there because it still makes me laugh hysterically, especially now.)
• She thinks my dad is the coolest guy in the world. If she ever tells you that you are crazier than her big grandpa, you have made it pretty high up on her list of people she likes.
• My parents are probably laughing right now and thinking I deserve everything I get.
• I probably do.
  

10 things I am Thankful for.

(This is a little late, but every year I write a post on what I am thankful for. Since I haven't had too much internet access, or free time, its a week late. But it's never too late to be thankful for what you have.)

1. I am thankful for life's necessities. I have a roof over my head and food to eat. I have running water and a warm bed. I have a car that runs and money for a little extra, too.
2. I am thankful for my job that helps me provide my family with all of those necessities. I have a great job where I can feel appreciated every day and boss that cares. I have benefits and job security.
3. I am thankful that God has provided me with a job.
4. I am thankful for my mom. She is understanding and she is one of my best friends. Funny cause I would have never thought I would say that before I had kids. I can tell her anything and know she will do whatever is in her means to help. And sometimes she just listens and for that I am forever grateful.
5. I am thankful for my dad. I will forever be daddy's girl. I am like him in so many ways. Maybe that is why he knows something is bothering me by the sound of my voice.
   
6. I am thankful for my sister, Amanda; my brother, Kenny; and my sister-in-law, Keri. They are always there to listen and to give advice, even when I might not like what they say. I am so thankful that we don't have the brother/sister disagreements that a lot of my extended family have.
7. I am thankful for the support of my extended family and friends. They have been a big source of support and helpfulness this past year.
8. I am thankful for one special friend that has been my rock since my life turned upside down in January. He was one of the first that I called and one of the first to be by my side the first night I found out. He has stayed by my side through everything I have been through in the last year.
9. I am thankful that God has placed all these wonderful people in my life. He knew I would need them and I am forever grateful.
10. Most of all this year, I am thankful for my little comedian and my sassy smarty pants. I love them more than anything in this world. They are what gets me up in the morning and what keeps me smiling through the day. It amazes me that two small kids can fill my heart with so much joy.

Oh, yeah.......did I mention that I am so very Thankful for my God? He is my rock and my salvation. Without him, I am nothing. He loves me and he provides for me. Thank you God for Jesus Christ. Thank you God for loving me and giving me life. Thank you God. Thank you God.

THANK YOU GOD!

In HIS Hands

I have to admit, I have been rather frustrated lately. Bills seem to pile up and I just can't catch up. I know that as soon as I catch up I will be fine. Just catching up is the problem. It seems just when I think I am getting caught up, here is another unexpected bill. It is frustrating, as I am sure MANY people understand.

Monday night, I figured my bills that needed to get paid this week. Then I cried. No joke, I really did.

I prayed that night to God that he take it all. It's in His hands. I know that He will take care of me and He WILL provide to me. I just have to remember to place it all in His hands. Usually, it takes a little bit of patience to see Him working. Not this time.

Tuesday, I got a phone call about my car payment that was behind. The lady wanted to know when I was going to pay and what had caused me to get behind. Then she asked me if it would help if they deferred my November and December payments. I could pick back up with my payments on my normal due date in January.

About an hour later I called Nipsco to see if my services had been transferred to my new address and if there was still a balance. I had talked to them once, but I called to double check anyways and found out that I had misunderstood. They had actually canceled my Nipsco account and were waiting for me to call them to set up at the new address. Since my account was cancelled, my deposit that I paid almost 5 years ago was used to cover my pre-existing bill, and the rest was credited to my account. For some reason, my new deposit was 1/3 of the original one that I paid 5 years ago, so my credit was able to be used to cover the new deposit AND there is still a $359.00 credit on my Nipsco account. I don't have to pay a bill for Nipsco till at least February.

That is so cool.

I truly don't believe that it was all coincidence that this all happened the day after I told God I needed help and it was in His Hands.

God is Good. And he is continually showing me why.

Addict going through withdraw

I have not had much Internet access in the last few weeks. I moved two weeks ago and have gotten online a few times using friend's and family's computers.

I realized something in that time. I do everything on the net. I am not sure when I got to that point. I used to be able to go days or even a week with out Internet access. Crazy, I know, but unfortunately it is very true.

I pay my bills on line.
I chat with friends on line.
I talk to family on line.
I play games on line.
I even write on line.

So the last few weeks I have felt like an addict going through withdraws.

One positive thing is that I started writing in my journal again. here is something a little more freeing about writing as opposed to typing. So I am going to keep it up. Over the next few days, you will probably see a lot of posts from what I have wrote in the last few weeks.

No more withdraws. I have my addiction back. :)

Text Messages from God

I am reading a book right now. It's Take Four from the Above the Line series by Karen Kingsbury. I love Karen Kingsbury. She is an amazing Christian author that really knows how to write about real issues. She writes about life. And life isn't always easy, and it definitely isn't perfect.

Anyway, one of the characters in the book is going through a tough time and has a big decision to make. She made a comment that made me smile. It made me smile because I would have to whole heartedly agree with what she said.

She said that sometimes she wishes God would send her a text message telling her what to do.

Wouldn't that be nice? I mean seriously, I have received so many text messages today. I got some from my friends, 2 from my boss, about 6 from my manager that is running my store tonight, and even one from Verizon telling me my cell phone bill is due. I got one from my roommate, and a few from the girl that's gonna be my roommate in a few weeks when I move, and that's just to name a few!

I would love to flip open my phone and have a text message waiting for me from God telling me what to do. No more wondering if I am making the right decisions or heading in the right direction with my life. God would simply have to send me a message and tell me.

Unfortunately, it is not that easy to to know what God's plan is for you. I am okay with that, because I have learned to listen. There are some days when I have to admit, I do not listen hard enough.

Lessons Learned.

One thing I do know for sure is that if God were to send me a text message, He would end it with I love you. Every time.

That's what gets me through the day. That's what keeps me going when I have tough decisions to make. God loves me, and he always will.

That's a text message He sends to my heart when I need it the most.

Innocent.Pure.Simple.Joy.

Today I was watching my daughter play outside. She was running with her arms spread wide, her face up, just soaking in the sun and feeling the breeze on her face. Every now and then she would stop and pick up a handful of the colorful fallen leaves and throw them in the air. Then she would giggle with joy as the wind swept them away, whirling them in circles through the air.

"Mommy! Did you see that?" she would cry every time.

Then she would continue running around, occasionally stopping to pick up an interesting new item to show me or ask me about.

"Mommy, look at this!"
"What is this?"
"Look at the color of this one! It's so pretty!"
"Isn't this interesting?"
"Ohh! Feel this, it's prickly!"
"What kind of tree is this from?"

It brought me pure joy to watch her just be a child. She was enjoying the simplest pleasures in life, and was having a great time with things that didn't cost any money.

As I sat there watching her, I realized something. I wished I was her. Wouldn't it be nice to go back to the carefree days of youth? I would love to return to the days when I could take pleasure in the simplest things in life. How great would it be to not have the stresses of adulthood?

I can't help but wonder when we start to lose that innocence. When do trees, leaves, and bugs quit being entertaining? When does grandpa quit being so cool? When do you realize that daddy doesn't know everything? I mean, does it just suddenly happen, or is it more of a gradual change?

Unfortunately, I cannot return to my innocent days of youth. However, today I realized something that I need to do. I need to remember to stop and enjoy the simple things in life. Because sometimes, the simplest things in life, are the best things in life.

Today, I did just that. I sat back and watched my daughter play. I didn't worry about what I could get done while she was entertaining herself. I didn't think about bills or work. I just watched her.

Innocent.
Pure.
Simple.
Joy.