Roller Coaster Ride

When I was married to Chad, I used to get frustrated with one of my friends. She would constantly complain about how hard her life was because she was a single parent. Life was never going well. It was always a roller coaster. Life was so up and down. I mean seriously, can't you look at the bright side of things? Find something positive for once?

Well, now the shoe is on the other foot. I have come to realize that LIFE IS HARD as a single mom and some days, like today, all I want to do it complain. Its hard even though as single moms go, I have it easy. I have a great job. I have supportive family and friends. I don't have to struggle to find baby sitters. I have an ex that is supportive of my discipline, if need be. I know he will back me up when it comes to the kids, even if we don't see eye to eye on a personal level. AND he pays his child support. (Yup....the whole $13 a week.)

It is hard though. It is frustrating because you are doing a job that God intended two people to do. You definitely need two people for this job because its not just any roller coaster. It is the Mean Streak. The Millennium Force. The Beast. It is the tallest, the fastest and the bumpiest roller coaster I have ever been on.

But........

That's life. Life is a roller coaster no matter who you are....single, married........18, 25, 60 years old........high school, college.....Kids, no kids.......working, unemployed........doesn't matter.

Life is gonna flip and turn. Its gonna take you up so high and then its gonna rocket you down ten times faster than when you went up. You are gonna want to scream. You might want to close your eyes and wait for it to be over. Sometimes its gonna make you just plain nauseous.

But its also gonna be exciting. It will be thrilling. It will make you laugh. It will be the ride of your life.

So on rough days, or weeks, like I have had when all I feel like I have done is complain, I try to look at the positive. And there is so much positive in my life. I have a great life. I have an awesome life.

So, I am done complaining. I am just gonna find something to smile about today. It will get better. I KNOW it will get better.

I know this because every roller coaster comes to an end. And when this one is over, I am gonna stand in line for the next one.

Livin' A Double Life

Every Friday, when I get off of work at midnight, I often drive home with a feeling of emptiness, and a little bit of sadness, too. I usually get over it really quick, and am often feeling great by the time I wake up on Saturday morning and drive back into work at 8 am. But, every Friday, the feeling returns. At least I know why it is there, which is most likely why I get over it so quick.

I live a double life. At least that is the way it seems.

On Friday I drive into work knowing that I won't see my kids for about three and a half days. I do the same thing every weekend when I don't have them. Friday I work 2 pm till close, then I turn around and work a 12 to 14 hour shift on Saturdays which I start at 8 am. Sundays, if I manage to be off work, I usually spend trying not to fall asleep from the exhausting week. And usually I fail miserably at it and spend my only weekend day off sleeping. Monday I work all day. By all day, I mean ALL day as in I go in at 8:30 am and don't leave till 10 pm.

On Tuesdays I return to work first thing and usually rush home because I can't wait to see my kids. This is the best day of the week for me. Every week without fail, I look forward to Tuesday. Wednesdays, I almost always take off work if I can manage so I can spend the whole day with Christina and Logan. Thursdays I head home as quickly as possible again, because I know they are waiting for me. Friday mornings I spend with the kids, and then after I drop Christina off at school at noon, I head into work.

That's why the emptiness hits on Friday nights. They day most people look forward to is the day I dread. Friday is my Monday. I drive home feeling sad because for the first time since Tuesday I am driving home to an empty apartment. (Well, not technically empty, I have a roommate.)

When my children aren't there, my house doesn't feel like home. I have been known to not stay at my apartment at all on the weekends because it does feel so empty without them.

Now, don't misinterpret what I am saying. I do not spend the whole time without my kids moping around. When I get off work on Saturday, I spend the evening with the amazing man I am seeing. We often just hang out with our friends. On Sundays, I try to go to church if I can manage to wake up, which hasn't been happening much lately, as much as I hate to say it. Then the afternoon is spent with friends and my boyfriend again.

So, life is still good, as I said in a couple earlier post....there's just that twinge of emptiness on the drive home on Fridays. I want my kids with me 7 days a week. I want to not have to work when I do have them so that I can spend all my time with them. Unfortunately, life doesn't always give you what you want. So, I enjoy all the time I can with them, even if it is just listening to them play.

I lead a double life. Tuesday through Friday are completely different that Saturday through Monday. I can't change that. All I can do is enjoy what life has given me on the days that I can.

And life has given me two AMAZING kids.

One Year Later

2010.

Rough.
Sad.
Trying.
Depressing.
Struggle.
Discouraging.

I could think of a million words to describe the events of last year. 2010 was most definitely one of the hardest years I have ever experienced. I have never been so relieved to start a new year. Not that 2010 was ALL bad. There were some positives for sure, but there is one event of last year that will always stick out in my mind.

It has been over a year since I separated from Chad, and it has been 3 months since the divorce was final. As the day that marked a year edged closer, I thought for sure that I was going to be a wreck. I even made plans to spend the weekend follow in Chicago with some really great people that I knew would cheer me up.

Turns out I was wrong. Though the weekend with my college friends was a breath of fresh air, I didn't need the cheering up as badly as I thought I would. It passed like any other day.

No tears.
No regrets.
No sadness.

It was just another day.

I almost felt a tinge of guilt that when I had no feelings towards it at all. After all, I hadn't wanted the separation. I didn't want the divorce. I don't even BELIEVE that divorce is right. Why then, do I feel no remorse over the events of last year?

I contemplated this for a while. I wanted to feel sad about it all. I wanted to be able to sit and cry over the direction my life headed in 2010. But I just couldn't do it. I couldn't be sad about any of it, though I tried.

(Don't get me wrong, there are times I am still angry at what his choices have done to our kids. I have seen the statistics about children from "broken homes." I see the way my daughter acts sometimes. Frankly, it frightens me. I know the reason for a lot of her behaviors, and I will spend her whole childhood trying to make this right. I will do everything in my power to make sure she isn't like the kids those statistics are about)

I realized something when I was pondering the reasons why I was no longer despondent about my failed marriage. Though my world fell apart in one single day in January of last year, I spent the whole year building it back up. I spent a whole year learning a new way of life. Most importantly, I spent the last year learning to accept what had happened, asking God for forgiveness in any part I had in the broken relationship, and starting a new life for myself and my children.

I am a survivor.
I am healthier.
I am happier.
I am stronger.

So what I want to tell everyone, a year later, is that I am doing ok. Great actually. God had plans for me. Really, really great plans for me.

2011..........Here we go!

Christina-isms (AKA Payback for all the times I gave my parents attitude growing up.)

• I recently switched schools for Christina. She is having a hard time understanding why she had to leave her old school with her friends and her teacher she liked. She will get used to it and enjoy her new school as well. She is particularly irritated at the fact that "the bus driver does not know where she lives." You see, we live in an apartment and the bus drops all the kids from the complex off at one spot, which is not in front of our apartment. I am apparently "ruining her life."
• She was not even three the first time I was told I was ruining her life.
• She was only 3 1/2 the first time she told my mom she was frustrated and disgusted with her. Such big words for such a little girl. (I do believe that conversation also included the phrase "ruining her life.")
• I knew I was in trouble when she was only 18 months old. We were having her check up and the doctor was going through his list of questions to see if she was on track developmentally. One question will forever stick out in my mind. He asked if she was starting to put two and three words together. I responded by telling him she was already speaking in short sentences. I proceeded to ask Christina to tell Dr. Reed about the zoo. No joke, she put her hands on her hips and said, "Mom, not today!" Oh, boy!
• Last week we came home after picking the kids up at their dads. We woke up the next morning and as we are walking down the stairs, Logan says, " I gonna clean this mess!" I asked Christina what he said because I didn't think I heard him right. She says, "He said he is gonna clean up the mess. And Frankly mom, I am a little disgusted at all this. I wanted this to be the cleanest house in the world." Apparently, while she was gone, my roommate's son had played in her room and not picked up the toys.
• Calvin and Logan are always ruining her life because they don't do what she wants them to do. But she says she isn't bossy.
• At four, we had her tested into Kindergarten because she missed the deadline by four days. She would still be five before school started and her doctor insisted we should try our hardest to get her in that year because she was ready. During the test, they flipped through this book and asked her to point to the picture that described whatever word they said. The very last word was DILAPIDATED. When the test was over, I asked the Counselor if she got that one right. She had, and I thought it was a guess. So, when we got out to the car, I turned around and asked Christina if she actually knew what dilapidated meant, or if she had guess. She said, "DUH, Mom! It's a broken down building."
  
• They actually did not let her go to kindergarten that year because she refused to write her name. Not that she couldn't, but she wouldn't. She just didn't want to.
• During that same test, they asked her to draw a picture. Then they asked her to tell them about it. She said it was her daddy and he was wearing panties that she drew on him. (I had to throw that one in there because it still makes me laugh hysterically, especially now.)
• She thinks my dad is the coolest guy in the world. If she ever tells you that you are crazier than her big grandpa, you have made it pretty high up on her list of people she likes.
• My parents are probably laughing right now and thinking I deserve everything I get.
• I probably do.
  

10 things I am Thankful for.

(This is a little late, but every year I write a post on what I am thankful for. Since I haven't had too much internet access, or free time, its a week late. But it's never too late to be thankful for what you have.)

1. I am thankful for life's necessities. I have a roof over my head and food to eat. I have running water and a warm bed. I have a car that runs and money for a little extra, too.
2. I am thankful for my job that helps me provide my family with all of those necessities. I have a great job where I can feel appreciated every day and boss that cares. I have benefits and job security.
3. I am thankful that God has provided me with a job.
4. I am thankful for my mom. She is understanding and she is one of my best friends. Funny cause I would have never thought I would say that before I had kids. I can tell her anything and know she will do whatever is in her means to help. And sometimes she just listens and for that I am forever grateful.
5. I am thankful for my dad. I will forever be daddy's girl. I am like him in so many ways. Maybe that is why he knows something is bothering me by the sound of my voice.
   
6. I am thankful for my sister, Amanda; my brother, Kenny; and my sister-in-law, Keri. They are always there to listen and to give advice, even when I might not like what they say. I am so thankful that we don't have the brother/sister disagreements that a lot of my extended family have.
7. I am thankful for the support of my extended family and friends. They have been a big source of support and helpfulness this past year.
8. I am thankful for one special friend that has been my rock since my life turned upside down in January. He was one of the first that I called and one of the first to be by my side the first night I found out. He has stayed by my side through everything I have been through in the last year.
9. I am thankful that God has placed all these wonderful people in my life. He knew I would need them and I am forever grateful.
10. Most of all this year, I am thankful for my little comedian and my sassy smarty pants. I love them more than anything in this world. They are what gets me up in the morning and what keeps me smiling through the day. It amazes me that two small kids can fill my heart with so much joy.

Oh, yeah.......did I mention that I am so very Thankful for my God? He is my rock and my salvation. Without him, I am nothing. He loves me and he provides for me. Thank you God for Jesus Christ. Thank you God for loving me and giving me life. Thank you God. Thank you God.

THANK YOU GOD!

In HIS Hands

I have to admit, I have been rather frustrated lately. Bills seem to pile up and I just can't catch up. I know that as soon as I catch up I will be fine. Just catching up is the problem. It seems just when I think I am getting caught up, here is another unexpected bill. It is frustrating, as I am sure MANY people understand.

Monday night, I figured my bills that needed to get paid this week. Then I cried. No joke, I really did.

I prayed that night to God that he take it all. It's in His hands. I know that He will take care of me and He WILL provide to me. I just have to remember to place it all in His hands. Usually, it takes a little bit of patience to see Him working. Not this time.

Tuesday, I got a phone call about my car payment that was behind. The lady wanted to know when I was going to pay and what had caused me to get behind. Then she asked me if it would help if they deferred my November and December payments. I could pick back up with my payments on my normal due date in January.

About an hour later I called Nipsco to see if my services had been transferred to my new address and if there was still a balance. I had talked to them once, but I called to double check anyways and found out that I had misunderstood. They had actually canceled my Nipsco account and were waiting for me to call them to set up at the new address. Since my account was cancelled, my deposit that I paid almost 5 years ago was used to cover my pre-existing bill, and the rest was credited to my account. For some reason, my new deposit was 1/3 of the original one that I paid 5 years ago, so my credit was able to be used to cover the new deposit AND there is still a $359.00 credit on my Nipsco account. I don't have to pay a bill for Nipsco till at least February.

That is so cool.

I truly don't believe that it was all coincidence that this all happened the day after I told God I needed help and it was in His Hands.

God is Good. And he is continually showing me why.

Addict going through withdraw

I have not had much Internet access in the last few weeks. I moved two weeks ago and have gotten online a few times using friend's and family's computers.

I realized something in that time. I do everything on the net. I am not sure when I got to that point. I used to be able to go days or even a week with out Internet access. Crazy, I know, but unfortunately it is very true.

I pay my bills on line.
I chat with friends on line.
I talk to family on line.
I play games on line.
I even write on line.

So the last few weeks I have felt like an addict going through withdraws.

One positive thing is that I started writing in my journal again. here is something a little more freeing about writing as opposed to typing. So I am going to keep it up. Over the next few days, you will probably see a lot of posts from what I have wrote in the last few weeks.

No more withdraws. I have my addiction back. :)