Thursday, January 6, 2011

One Year Later



I could think of a million words to describe the events of last year. 2010 was most definitely one of the hardest years I have ever experienced. I have never been so relieved to start a new year. Not that 2010 was ALL bad. There were some positives for sure, but there is one event of last year that will always stick out in my mind.

It has been over a year since I separated from Chad, and it has been 3 months since the divorce was final. As the day that marked a year edged closer, I thought for sure that I was going to be a wreck. I even made plans to spend the weekend follow in Chicago with some really great people that I knew would cheer me up.

Turns out I was wrong. Though the weekend with my college friends was a breath of fresh air, I didn't need the cheering up as badly as I thought I would. It passed like any other day.

No tears.
No regrets.
No sadness.

It was just another day.

I almost felt a tinge of guilt that when I had no feelings towards it at all. After all, I hadn't wanted the separation. I didn't want the divorce. I don't even BELIEVE that divorce is right. Why then, do I feel no remorse over the events of last year?

I contemplated this for a while. I wanted to feel sad about it all. I wanted to be able to sit and cry over the direction my life headed in 2010. But I just couldn't do it. I couldn't be sad about any of it, though I tried.

(Don't get me wrong, there are times I am still angry at what his choices have done to our kids. I have seen the statistics about children from "broken homes." I see the way my daughter acts sometimes. Frankly, it frightens me. I know the reason for a lot of her behaviors, and I will spend her whole childhood trying to make this right. I will do everything in my power to make sure she isn't like the kids those statistics are about)

I realized something when I was pondering the reasons why I was no longer despondent about my failed marriage. Though my world fell apart in one single day in January of last year, I spent the whole year building it back up. I spent a whole year learning a new way of life. Most importantly, I spent the last year learning to accept what had happened, asking God for forgiveness in any part I had in the broken relationship, and starting a new life for myself and my children.

I am a survivor.
I am healthier.
I am happier.
I am stronger.

So what I want to tell everyone, a year later, is that I am doing ok. Great actually. God had plans for me. Really, really great plans for me.

2011..........Here we go!