Thursday, February 17, 2011

Livin' A Double Life

Every Friday, when I get off of work at midnight, I often drive home with a feeling of emptiness, and a little bit of sadness, too. I usually get over it really quick, and am often feeling great by the time I wake up on Saturday morning and drive back into work at 8 am. But, every Friday, the feeling returns. At least I know why it is there, which is most likely why I get over it so quick.

I live a double life. At least that is the way it seems.

On Friday I drive into work knowing that I won't see my kids for about three and a half days. I do the same thing every weekend when I don't have them. Friday I work 2 pm till close, then I turn around and work a 12 to 14 hour shift on Saturdays which I start at 8 am. Sundays, if I manage to be off work, I usually spend trying not to fall asleep from the exhausting week. And usually I fail miserably at it and spend my only weekend day off sleeping. Monday I work all day. By all day, I mean ALL day as in I go in at 8:30 am and don't leave till 10 pm.

On Tuesdays I return to work first thing and usually rush home because I can't wait to see my kids. This is the best day of the week for me. Every week without fail, I look forward to Tuesday. Wednesdays, I almost always take off work if I can manage so I can spend the whole day with Christina and Logan. Thursdays I head home as quickly as possible again, because I know they are waiting for me. Friday mornings I spend with the kids, and then after I drop Christina off at school at noon, I head into work.

That's why the emptiness hits on Friday nights. They day most people look forward to is the day I dread. Friday is my Monday. I drive home feeling sad because for the first time since Tuesday I am driving home to an empty apartment. (Well, not technically empty, I have a roommate.)

When my children aren't there, my house doesn't feel like home. I have been known to not stay at my apartment at all on the weekends because it does feel so empty without them.

Now, don't misinterpret what I am saying. I do not spend the whole time without my kids moping around. When I get off work on Saturday, I spend the evening with the amazing man I am seeing. We often just hang out with our friends. On Sundays, I try to go to church if I can manage to wake up, which hasn't been happening much lately, as much as I hate to say it. Then the afternoon is spent with friends and my boyfriend again.

So, life is still good, as I said in a couple earlier post....there's just that twinge of emptiness on the drive home on Fridays. I want my kids with me 7 days a week. I want to not have to work when I do have them so that I can spend all my time with them. Unfortunately, life doesn't always give you what you want. So, I enjoy all the time I can with them, even if it is just listening to them play.

I lead a double life. Tuesday through Friday are completely different that Saturday through Monday. I can't change that. All I can do is enjoy what life has given me on the days that I can.

And life has given me two AMAZING kids.