Wednesday, March 30, 2011

Plan B

Tonight, I attended Wednesday night Church for the first time since youth group. A friend directed me up to a class called "Plan B." In a nutshell, it talked about how to deal when things in your life that don't go the way they are supposed to....when you are forced to revert to "plan B."

It was, unfortunately, the last class in the session, but it still hit home.

My whole life right now is my Plan B. Well.....maybe Plan C, or Plan Z......depending on what part of my life we are talking about.

Obviously, Plan A disintegrated the day Chad told me he didn't love me anymore. Though I tried to change his mind, I was forced to move on to Plan B.

PLAN B: Life without Chad

In the class, he asked what surprised us the most about ourselves after the events that occured forced us to move on to Plan B. The answer in my head was instant.

I AM strong.

Over the last year, I have learned that I have strength that I never knew I had. I heard so many times when I was going through it all that "God will not give you more than you can handle." There were times I would hear this several times a day.

There were times I wanted to punch the people in the face that were saying it, too. (Of course, I never really punched anyone in the face because I am not a violent person. I know that they just cared and wanted me to know that God cared too.)

Don't get me wrong, it wasn't that I didn't believe what they were saying. I KNEW without a doubt that God would give me the strength. Seriously, though.......did I have to hear it every time someone tried to encourage me.

There was a point in time where I thought God had way more faith in me than I had in myself. Did God seriously think I could handle all of this? It wasn't just the divorce, there was other things going on in life that were also not the way they were supposed to be. I had such a heavy load, that I thought my back was going to break. My feet were going to give out from underneath me. I wanted to look up at the sky and say "Seriously, God? Are you sure?"


I made it through. God walked beside me the whole way. And on those days that I felt like the ground was going to give way underneigth me, he carried me.

I felt like I was standing on a ledge. I felt like I was gonna fall. But I knew that God wouldn't let me fall, and if by some chance I did fall.........God would be there to catch me or give me wings to fly.

Plan B is not what I had planned on, but the sky is the limit and I have wings to fly.

Tuesday, March 29, 2011

Dancing around the Truth

"Why can't we be a family anymore?"
"Why don't you live with daddy now?"
"How come Samantha gets to live with daddy instead of you?"
"Will we ever be able to live together with you and daddy?"
"I want you to come over so you can see daddy. Can you?"
"Why aren't you and daddy married anymore?"
"Lil Grandma says that daddy doesn't love you anymore. Why?"
"Did you and daddy fight all the time?"
"Will my cousin Michael ever get to see my daddy again?"


"Mommy, I have a wish but my wish will never come true......Mommy, If I wished that you and daddy could live together as roommates again, do you think that wish would come true? It's ok mommy, I know it won't come true."

After over a year, I like to think that I am doing better than most people would be under the same circumstances. God has shown me love. He has given me strength. I have done a great job of moving on and making my life better. I am happy and healthy. I don't get sad when I think about Chad or the divorce. Not even a little bit. That the honest truth.

But when it comes to the innocent, heartfelt questions from, my five year old, my heart breaks. My heart doesn't break for me. I can deal with what the choices my ex husband has made have done to me. My heart breaks for Christina and Logan.

How do you answer these questions? How do I explain such things to a Six year old, especially when I don't even know all the answers?

So I do the best I can, because I refuse to be the one that says bad things about the other parent. I refuse to lie to her, but there are some things that I know she just won't understand. So I sidestep my way around answering the questions completely. Someday, when the time is right she will want real answers. When that time comes, hopefully, a long time from now, I will tell her.

Until then, I am dancing around the truth........

Wednesday, March 23, 2011

SMILE by Judy Garland (Just so I know where to find the lyrics quickly)

Smile though your heart is aching
Smile, even though it's breaking
When there are clouds, in the sky, you'll get by
If you smile, through your fear and sorrow
Smile, and there'll be tomorrow
You'll see the sun come shining through
If you'll....
Light up your face with gladness
Hide every trace of sadness
Although a tear, may be ever so near,
That's the time, you must keep on trying
Smile, what's the use of crying?
You'll find that life is still worthwhile,
If you'll just....

Light up your face with gladness
Hide every trace of sadness
Although a tear, may be ever so near,
That's the time, you must keep on trying
Smile, what's the use of crying?
You'll find that life is still worthwhile,
If you'll just....

Roller Coaster Ride

When I was married to Chad, I used to get frustrated with one of my friends. She would constantly complain about how hard her life was because she was a single parent. Life was never going well. It was always a roller coaster. Life was so up and down. I mean seriously, can't you look at the bright side of things? Find something positive for once?

Well, now the shoe is on the other foot. I have come to realize that LIFE IS HARD as a single mom and some days, like today, all I want to do it complain. Its hard even though as single moms go, I have it easy. I have a great job. I have supportive family and friends. I don't have to struggle to find baby sitters. I have an ex that is supportive of my discipline, if need be. I know he will back me up when it comes to the kids, even if we don't see eye to eye on a personal level. AND he pays his child support. (Yup....the whole $13 a week.)

It is hard though. It is frustrating because you are doing a job that God intended two people to do. You definitely need two people for this job because its not just any roller coaster. It is the Mean Streak. The Millennium Force. The Beast. It is the tallest, the fastest and the bumpiest roller coaster I have ever been on.


That's life. Life is a roller coaster no matter who you are....single, married........18, 25, 60 years old........high school, college.....Kids, no kids.......working, unemployed........doesn't matter.

Life is gonna flip and turn. Its gonna take you up so high and then its gonna rocket you down ten times faster than when you went up. You are gonna want to scream. You might want to close your eyes and wait for it to be over. Sometimes its gonna make you just plain nauseous.

But its also gonna be exciting. It will be thrilling. It will make you laugh. It will be the ride of your life.

So on rough days, or weeks, like I have had when all I feel like I have done is complain, I try to look at the positive. And there is so much positive in my life. I have a great life. I have an awesome life.

So, I am done complaining. I am just gonna find something to smile about today. It will get better. I KNOW it will get better.

I know this because every roller coaster comes to an end. And when this one is over, I am gonna stand in line for the next one.