Friday, December 3, 2010

Christina-isms (AKA Payback for all the times I gave my parents attitude growing up.)

  • I recently switched schools for Christina. She is having a hard time understanding why she had to leave her old school with her friends and her teacher she liked. She will get used to it and enjoy her new school as well. She is particularly irritated at the fact that "the bus driver does not know where she lives." You see, we live in an apartment and the bus drops all the kids from the complex off at one spot, which is not in front of our apartment. I am apparently "ruining her life."
  • She was not even three the first time I was told I was ruining her life.
  • She was only 3 1/2 the first time she told my mom she was frustrated and disgusted with her. Such big words for such a little girl. (I do believe that conversation also included the phrase "ruining her life.")
  • I knew I was in trouble when she was only 18 months old. We were having her check up and the doctor was going through his list of questions to see if she was on track developmentally. One question will forever stick out in my mind. He asked if she was starting to put two and three words together. I responded by telling him she was already speaking in short sentences. I proceeded to ask Christina to tell Dr. Reed about the zoo. No joke, she put her hands on her hips and said, "Mom, not today!" Oh, boy!
  • Last week we came home after picking the kids up at their dads. We woke up the next morning and as we are walking down the stairs, Logan says, " I gonna clean this mess!" I asked Christina what he said because I didn't think I heard him right. She says, "He said he is gonna clean up the mess. And Frankly mom, I am a little disgusted at all this. I wanted this to be the cleanest house in the world." Apparently, while she was gone, my roommate's son had played in her room and not picked up the toys.
  • Calvin and Logan are always ruining her life because they don't do what she wants them to do. But she says she isn't bossy.
  • At four, we had her tested into Kindergarten because she missed the deadline by four days. She would still be five before school started and her doctor insisted we should try our hardest to get her in that year because she was ready. During the test, they flipped through this book and asked her to point to the picture that described whatever word they said. The very last word was DILAPIDATED. When the test was over, I asked the Counselor if she got that one right. She had, and I thought it was a guess. So, when we got out to the car, I turned around and asked Christina if she actually knew what dilapidated meant, or if she had guess. She said, "DUH, Mom! It's a broken down building."
  • They actually did not let her go to kindergarten that year because she refused to write her name. Not that she couldn't, but she wouldn't. She just didn't want to.
  • During that same test, they asked her to draw a picture. Then they asked her to tell them about it. She said it was her daddy and he was wearing panties that she drew on him. (I had to throw that one in there because it still makes me laugh hysterically, especially now.)
  • She thinks my dad is the coolest guy in the world. If she ever tells you that you are crazier than her big grandpa, you have made it pretty high up on her list of people she likes.
  • My parents are probably laughing right now and thinking I deserve everything I get.
  • I probably do.

Thursday, December 2, 2010

10 things I am Thankful for.

(This is a little late, but every year I write a post on what I am thankful for. Since I haven't had too much internet access, or free time, its a week late. But it's never too late to be thankful for what you have.)

  1. I am thankful for life's necessities. I have a roof over my head and food to eat. I have running water and a warm bed. I have a car that runs and money for a little extra, too.
  2. I am thankful for my job that helps me provide my family with all of those necessities. I have a great job where I can feel appreciated every day and boss that cares. I have benefits and job security.
  3. I am thankful that God has provided me with a job.
  4. I am thankful for my mom. She is understanding and she is one of my best friends. Funny cause I would have never thought I would say that before I had kids. I can tell her anything and know she will do whatever is in her means to help. And sometimes she just listens and for that I am forever grateful.
  5. I am thankful for my dad. I will forever be daddy's girl. I am like him in so many ways. Maybe that is why he knows something is bothering me by the sound of my voice.
  6. I am thankful for my sister, Amanda; my brother, Kenny; and my sister-in-law, Keri. They are always there to listen and to give advice, even when I might not like what they say. I am so thankful that we don't have the brother/sister disagreements that a lot of my extended family have.
  7. I am thankful for the support of my extended family and friends. They have been a big source of support and helpfulness this past year.
  8. I am thankful for one special friend that has been my rock since my life turned upside down in January. He was one of the first that I called and one of the first to be by my side the first night I found out. He has stayed by my side through everything I have been through in the last year.
  9. I am thankful that God has placed all these wonderful people in my life. He knew I would need them and I am forever grateful.
  10. Most of all this year, I am thankful for my little comedian and my sassy smarty pants. I love them more than anything in this world. They are what gets me up in the morning and what keeps me smiling through the day. It amazes me that two small kids can fill my heart with so much joy.

Oh, yeah.......did I mention that I am so very Thankful for my God? He is my rock and my salvation. Without him, I am nothing. He loves me and he provides for me. Thank you God for Jesus Christ. Thank you God for loving me and giving me life. Thank you God. Thank you God.

THANK YOU GOD!

Tuesday, November 30, 2010

In HIS Hands

I have to admit, I have been rather frustrated lately. Bills seem to pile up and I just can't catch up. I know that as soon as I catch up I will be fine. Just catching up is the problem. It seems just when I think I am getting caught up, here is another unexpected bill. It is frustrating, as I am sure MANY people understand.

Monday night, I figured my bills that needed to get paid this week. Then I cried. No joke, I really did.

I prayed that night to God that he take it all. It's in His hands. I know that He will take care of me and He WILL provide to me. I just have to remember to place it all in His hands. Usually, it takes a little bit of patience to see Him working. Not this time.

Tuesday, I got a phone call about my car payment that was behind. The lady wanted to know when I was going to pay and what had caused me to get behind. Then she asked me if it would help if they deferred my November and December payments. I could pick back up with my payments on my normal due date in January.

About an hour later I called Nipsco to see if my services had been transferred to my new address and if there was still a balance. I had talked to them once, but I called to double check anyways and found out that I had misunderstood. They had actually canceled my Nipsco account and were waiting for me to call them to set up at the new address. Since my account was cancelled, my deposit that I paid almost 5 years ago was used to cover my pre-existing bill, and the rest was credited to my account. For some reason, my new deposit was 1/3 of the original one that I paid 5 years ago, so my credit was able to be used to cover the new deposit AND there is still a $359.00 credit on my Nipsco account. I don't have to pay a bill for Nipsco till at least February.

That is so cool.

I truly don't believe that it was all coincidence that this all happened the day after I told God I needed help and it was in His Hands.

God is Good. And he is continually showing me why.

Monday, November 29, 2010

Addict going through withdraw

I have not had much Internet access in the last few weeks. I moved two weeks ago and have gotten online a few times using friend's and family's computers.

I realized something in that time. I do everything on the net. I am not sure when I got to that point. I used to be able to go days or even a week with out Internet access. Crazy, I know, but unfortunately it is very true.

I pay my bills on line.
I chat with friends on line.
I talk to family on line.
I play games on line.
I even write on line.

So the last few weeks I have felt like an addict going through withdraws.

One positive thing is that I started writing in my journal again. here is something a little more freeing about writing as opposed to typing. So I am going to keep it up. Over the next few days, you will probably see a lot of posts from what I have wrote in the last few weeks.

No more withdraws. I have my addiction back. :)

Thursday, November 4, 2010

Text Messages from God

I am reading a book right now. It's Take Four from the Above the Line series by Karen Kingsbury. I love Karen Kingsbury. She is an amazing Christian author that really knows how to write about real issues. She writes about life. And life isn't always easy, and it definitely isn't perfect.

Anyway, one of the characters in the book is going through a tough time and has a big decision to make. She made a comment that made me smile. It made me smile because I would have to whole heartedly agree with what she said.

She said that sometimes she wishes God would send her a text message telling her what to do.

Wouldn't that be nice? I mean seriously, I have received so many text messages today. I got some from my friends, 2 from my boss, about 6 from my manager that is running my store tonight, and even one from Verizon telling me my cell phone bill is due. I got one from my roommate, and a few from the girl that's gonna be my roommate in a few weeks when I move, and that's just to name a few!

I would love to flip open my phone and have a text message waiting for me from God telling me what to do. No more wondering if I am making the right decisions or heading in the right direction with my life. God would simply have to send me a message and tell me.

Unfortunately, it is not that easy to to know what God's plan is for you. I am okay with that, because I have learned to listen. There are some days when I have to admit, I do not listen hard enough.

Lessons Learned.

One thing I do know for sure is that if God were to send me a text message, He would end it with I love you. Every time.

That's what gets me through the day. That's what keeps me going when I have tough decisions to make. God loves me, and he always will.

That's a text message He sends to my heart when I need it the most.

Wednesday, October 27, 2010

Innocent.Pure.Simple.Joy.

Today I was watching my daughter play outside. She was running with her arms spread wide, her face up, just soaking in the sun and feeling the breeze on her face. Every now and then she would stop and pick up a handful of the colorful fallen leaves and throw them in the air. Then she would giggle with joy as the wind swept them away, whirling them in circles through the air.

"Mommy! Did you see that?" she would cry every time.

Then she would continue running around, occasionally stopping to pick up an interesting new item to show me or ask me about.

"Mommy, look at this!"
"What is this?"
"Look at the color of this one! It's so pretty!"
"Isn't this interesting?"
"Ohh! Feel this, it's prickly!"
"What kind of tree is this from?"

It brought me pure joy to watch her just be a child. She was enjoying the simplest pleasures in life, and was having a great time with things that didn't cost any money.

As I sat there watching her, I realized something. I wished I was her. Wouldn't it be nice to go back to the carefree days of youth? I would love to return to the days when I could take pleasure in the simplest things in life. How great would it be to not have the stresses of adulthood?

I can't help but wonder when we start to lose that innocence. When do trees, leaves, and bugs quit being entertaining? When does grandpa quit being so cool? When do you realize that daddy doesn't know everything? I mean, does it just suddenly happen, or is it more of a gradual change?

Unfortunately, I cannot return to my innocent days of youth. However, today I realized something that I need to do. I need to remember to stop and enjoy the simple things in life. Because sometimes, the simplest things in life, are the best things in life.

Today, I did just that. I sat back and watched my daughter play. I didn't worry about what I could get done while she was entertaining herself. I didn't think about bills or work. I just watched her.

Innocent.
Pure.
Simple.
Joy.

Tuesday, October 19, 2010

Marriage Dissolved

"......Evidence is heard. Court enters and prepares Decree. Marriage Dissolved. Parties awarded...."

Wait a minute. I stop dead. Marriage Dissolved? I read it again. And Again.

Marriage Dissolved.

When I received the court documents today, I was not expecting what I got. I was expecting to read that we both appeared. I expected to read that the court was preparing the decree. I expected to read that my husband was to file the deed with the court. I expected to see that the case would be set for hearing after that was filed.

I did not expect to read those two words. "Marriage Dissolved."

So, after ten months of separation from my husband....uh....ex husband.....and after 6 months spent in court, my marriage is dissolved. Its over.

Wow.

All day long, people keep asking me how I am doing. I guess the best way to do that is to tell you about how I spent my afternoon.

I have to admit, after the last ten months it is a huge relief that it is finally over with. I also have to admit that my first reaction was a giant shout of Joy. I was surprised at myself that at that moment there was no sadness or sense of loss.

My next reaction was to jump in my car and go to the social security office to change my name back to my maiden name. I had the paper in my hand for less than five minutes before I was in the car driving to do that exact thing.

I changed my name on face book, and updated my status to let everyone who has been there and prayed for me know that it was over.

I called my mom. I called my best friend. I talked to my dad. I was doing good.

I had a "celebration" dinner with my roommate. Then, we came home and my brother called.

I love my brother. He lives 5 hours away, but somehow has the best sense of how I might be doing. He just seems to know and understand. He knew that I would be relieved. He knew that I would be happy. He understands that I didn't want this, but I have been forced to deal with what life has given me. He seems to understand that even though I am happy about this, it is not what I ever wanted. He also knew that I would eventually break down.

After I hung up the phone with my brother, I did cry a few tears. They were half because I wished he was here. I miss him. The other half was the finality of it all starting to sink in.

I took a nap. I had started getting a headache about 15 minutes after I received the news in the mail. So the nap accomplished 2 things. It helped to tone down the headache, and it helped me hide from the emotions that were starting to form. The emotions that I have been hiding for months now.

After the nap, I watched Letters to Juliet with my Roommate. Now, she is in bed and I am left alone with my thoughts. Trying to sleep seems to make them worse, so I am doing the only thing I know how to do to work through those emotions. I am writing.

So the question remains. HOW AM I DOING?

I am happy.
I am relieved.
I am sad.
I am angry.

I have shouted for joy.
I have celebrated.
I have mourned.
I have cried.
I have broke down.

I feel overjoyed at the thought of the long ride being over.
I feel excited because I have a full life of wonderful things ahead of me.
I feel like I have failed.
I feel like I could sleep for days, and yet can't seem to close my eyes.

It is exciting. It is sad. It is bittersweet.

Funny how a short sentence, only two words, can change you in an instant.

Marriage Dissolved.

So that is where I am at. It has been twelve hours since I found out my marriage was officially over and I have experienced almost every emotion you could possibly think of. That is how I am doing.

This is not the end, just the beginning. The first day of the rest of my life. I am gonna keep doing what I have been doing and living my life for my kids, and for myself. Taking it day to day, step by step. God will get me through it. I have no doubt He will. God is good and He has some AWESOME things in store for me. That is what gets me through the day.

Wednesday, October 13, 2010

Baking Cookies with Christina

Recipe for Chocolate Chip Cookies (with no nuts and with White Brown Chocolate Chips, as I was told specifically many times.)

Step 1: Mix the 2 1/4 c Flour, 1 tsp Baking Soda, and 1 tsp Salt in a small bowl.

Christina: "Mommy, why do you put salt in cookies? Cookies are supposed to be sweet."
Me: "Because the recipe calls for
it."

Step 2: Beat 3/4 c Sugar, 3/4 c brown sugar, 1 tsp vanilla and 1 c butter in a large bowl.

Christina: "That's a lot of sugar mommy."
Me: "Yes, Christina. That's because cookies are supposed to be sweet."

Christina: "But there is salt in there."
Me: "Yes, I know there is salt in there."


Step 3: Beat in 2 Large Eggs, one at a time.

Christina: "Mommy, I can do that I know how."
Me: "Okay Christina, I will beat it while you put in the eggs."

Christina: "
Oops, I don't think the shell is supposed to get in there."
Me: "That's okay, I will get it out."

Step 4: Gradually mix dry ingredients into the wet ingredients.

Me: "Christina, I am gonna mix it while you put a little bit of the flour into my bowl. Can you do that."
Christina: "Yes, Mommy. Like this?"
Me: "A little bit more than that at a time."
Christina: "Okay. Like this?"
Me: "Well, kinda. I didn't mean pour the whole bowl in there."
Christina: "Will it still taste like cookie dough?"
Me: "Yes. It will all mix together the same."

Step 5: Mix in One 12 oz bag of Chocolate chips.

Me: "Okay, Christina. We are going to put in half of the Brown Chips and half of the White ones."
Christina: "Okay, Mommy. I got it."
Me: "Oh Christina! I said half not all!"
Christina: "Sorry, Mommy."
Me: "Th
at's okay. We like lots of Chocolate chips in our cookies anyways."

Step 6: Put the cookies in spoonfuls onto the cookie sheets.

Christina: "Mommy can I lick both spoons when we are done?"
Me: "No Christina, there are
raw eggs in cookie Batter."

(Christina licks the spoon anyways, and proceeds to try and use the same spoon to scoop up cookie dough.)

Me: "Christina, WAI
T! You have to get a new spoon. You can't use the same spoon after you lick it. Other people are going to be eating these."

(Christina get
s a new spoon and continues to help put the dough on the cookie sheets. This time she learns her lesson, and licks her fingers instead. Then continues to try and use the same fingers to help out.)

Me: "Christina, you need to wash your hands. You cannot lick your fingers and then stick them back in the cookie dough."
Christina: "Okay mommy. Why?"
Me: "Because other people don't want your germs."

(Christina washes her hands and then licks the spoon again.)

Me: "Christina! Get a new spoon please."
Me: "Christina, please wash your hands again."
Me: "Get a new spoon."

Step 7: Bake the cookies for 9-11 minutes at 375 degrees.

Me: "Logan, this is hot."
Logan: "Mommy, hot! hot! hot!"
Me: "Yes Logan I know. Good job!"

(I proceed to clean up as the kids Patiently wait for the cookies.)

Christina: "Logan do you want Chocolate Chip Cookies?"
Logan: "Hot, Tina Hot!"
Christina: "Yes, I know Logie the oven is hot.....Mommy are the cookies done yet?"
Logan: "Hot! Hot! Hot!"
Me: "Yes, Logan, the oven is hot. Christina the cookies aren't done yet. You have to be patient."
Logan: "Eat a cookie?"
Christina: "Logan, you have to be patient. The cookies aren't done yet."
Christina: "Mommy, can I have a cookie yet?"
Logan: "That's hot."

(I think you get the picture.)

Step 8: ENJOY!




****We have about 3 dozen White and Brown Chocolate Chip Cookies (with no nuts) to share with anyone that wants some. I cannot guarantee that they don't have egg shells in them, or that they were not put on the cookie sheet using a licked spoon or fingers. What I CAN promise you is that they have LOTS of Chocolate chips in them and that they were made with lots of love.****





Starts With Goodbye

This song has meant a lot to me over the last year. Thought I would just share it with everyone.



"Starts With Goodbye"
by Carrie Underwood

I was sitting on my doorstep,
I hung up the phone and it fell out of my hand,
But I knew I had to do it,
And he wouldn't understand,
So hard to see myself without him,
I felt a piece of my heart break,
But when you're standing at a crossroad,
There's a choice you gotta make.

[Chorus:]
I guess it's gonna have to hurt,
I guess I'm gonna have to cry,
And let go of some things I've loved,
To get to the other side,
I guess it's gonna break me down,
Like falling when you try to fly,
It's sad, but sometimes moving on with the rest of your life,
Starts with goodbye.

I know there's a blue horizon,
Somewhere up ahead, just waiting for me,
Getting there means leaving things behind,
Sometimes life's so bitter sweet.

[Chorus:]
I guess it's gonna have to hurt,
I guess I'm gonna have to cry,
And let go of some things I've loved,
To get to the other side,
I guess it's gonna break me down,
Like falling when you try to fly,
It's sad, but sometimes moving on with the rest of your life,
Starts with goodbye.

Time, time heals,
The wounds that you feel,
Somehow, right now.

[Chorus:]
I guess it's gonna have to hurt,
I guess I'm gonna have to cry,
And let go of some things I've loved,
To get to the other side,
I guess it's gonna break me down,
Like falling when you try to fly,
It's sad, but sometimes moving on with the rest of your life,
Starts with goodbye,
I guess I'm gonna have to cry,
And let go of some things I've loved,
To get to the other side,
Starts with goodbye,
The only way you try to find,
Moving on with the rest of your life,
Starts with goodbye,
Na na na na na na na.

Tuesday, September 28, 2010

Moving On

What exactly does it mean to move on with your life?

I believe in the phase I am at in my life, that most people would say that it means I am ready to move on to a new relationship. Why does moving on always seem to mean something serious? Can't it just mean that you feel like you are finally starting to be happy again? Can't it mean that you are rediscovering who you are? I mean, those are ways that we move on, right?

If I tell people that I feel like I am ready to move on with my life, they automatically assume that I am ready to start looking for my next husband. Is it that horrible that I feel like I might be ready to date someone? Is it horrible to be ready to date, and yet, nowhere close to looking for your new "Mr. Right"? Why is it that I get reactions like, "It hasn't even been a year yet."? I guess I didn't realize there was a time line for when it is ok.


Let me start over before I go on a tangent.

So obviously the beginning is my marriage and divorce. (Not the beginning exactly, but the beginning of where it would be relevant to what I am talking about.)

First, I need to point something out. I would have died trying to make my marriage work
.
No matter how unhappy I was.
No matter how much I got ignored.
No matter how unloved I felt.
Not matter what happened or what he did.
No matter how lonely I felt everyday.

I literally would have dedicated my life to preserving my marriage vows. I would have stuck it out and worked on it forever.

WHY?

There are so many answers to this question. I don't believe in divorce. I believe that when you stand in front of God, your family and friends, that you make a promise that means forever. I promised to God and to my husband that till death do us part, I would honor my wedding vows. And I would have, if it had been my choice, that is.

I would have tried for my kids sake. My kids deserve to be raised in a home with two loving parents. I never wanted to have kids who came from a "broken home", as some people like to call it. I have seen how difficult it is for kids who come from divorced families. I never wanted that for my kids.

The main reason I would have died trying to make my marriage work is because I loved him. I fell in love with him quickly. I loved him all the way up till the day he told me he didn't love me anymore. I loved him, and for me that was reason enough to make it work.

I really do have a point.

The point is that none of this was my choice. It wasn't my decision. I DID NOT want any of this. I would have been perfectly fine living my life with my two kids and my husband in the life I had gotten accustomed to.

Some people may think that I gave up fighting too quickly. The first few months, I would tell him all the time that the door was open anytime he changed his mind. I would tell him that every time we talked. I used to talk to him continuously about what happened and what I could have done differently. I would ask him to go to counseling and he refused to try. I know women that after a year are still trying to convince their husbands to make it work. I always thought I would be one of those women.

So What Changed?

I can tell you the exact moment things changed. One day, I was at the house after I moved into the apartment. I was sorting through our boxes of stuff, separating what I was taking with me. I was having a hard time because there were a lot of memories in the boxes I was going through. I went upstairs to talk to him. we were having a typical conversation that was a repeat of many we had been having. I was asking him if I could have done anything differently. I was asking him if he had reconsidered counseling. (I should point out that his back was to me on the computer, as usual. Maybe that doesn't need to be pointed out, but I can't lie, I am still a little bitter over that computer.) I was expecting the same answers that I had been getting since the separation, except this time he completely threw me for a loop.

He actually turned from the computer to face me and he stared at me for a second. The words that came out of his mouth are words that I will probably never forget. He said, "I don't know how to say this any clearer so that you can understand this without hurting you more. I can't stand to be around you."

OUCH!

That is the moment I gave up. I don't know if it was as much the words he spoke, as it was the seriousness in his eyes. So I went home and I cried. I probably cried harder that day than I did the first day when he said he didn't love me anymore. That day I knew he was serious. I KNEW without a doubt that my marriage was over and there was nothing I could do about it.

I still prayed for a few months after that for him to have a change of heart. Even my prayers were half hearted though because I knew he was just plain done with me and our marriage.

Yes, I still believed.......no BELIEVE....that God does work miracles. God is amazing. God has a plan. God loves me and does not want this for me.

God also gave us free will. Unfortunately, my husband's free will may not make the choices that God would want.


Moving on.......

I made a decision that night, that whether I wanted to or not, I HAD to move on with my life. I HAD to do this for my kid's sake, and mine. I knew that I couldn't be a good mother if I kept moping about. I had to get myself happy and healthy in order to be able to care for them the way they need to be cared for.

In the beginning, it was getting myself healthy again
.

Physically
Mentally
Emotionally

After that, it was rediscovering who I was.

What made me happy.
What made me sad.
Even, what I like to do for fun.


Now, nine months later, I feel good. I still have my days, don't get me wrong. I am Happy. I feel like I can finally move on. I feel like I can date. I am not talking about finding someone to spend the rest of my life with. I am talking about going out and having a good time. I am talking more about figuring out what I want with my life. I am talking about learning to trust again. I am talking about moving on.

Pure and Simple.

Please don't criticize me because you think it's too soon. If I told you I was going to be getting married, then, you could tell me it is too soon.

Right now, I just need to be happy. I am not going to do anything stupid. I am not going to rush into anything super serious. I am going to live for the here and now. I am not going to worry about what anyone thinks of me, or the choices I make. The choices I make are for me to decide. I know when its right. I know how I feel. I know what is healthy for me. So if I feel like I am ready to "move on", then let the choice be mine.

Thursday, September 16, 2010

The Serenity Prayer
God Grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.
Living one day at a time;
Enjoying one moment at a time;
Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace;
Taking, as He did, this sinful world
as it is, not as I would have it;
Trusting that He will make all things right
if I surrender to His will;
That I may be reasonably happy in this life
and supremely happy with Him
Forever in the next.
Amen

Wednesday, September 15, 2010

Misplaced Anger?

It was recently brought to my attention that maybe some of my anger is misplaced on the wrong things rather than on what is actually the root cause. That may be true. Well, actually, I KNOW that is true.

For example, I absolutely hate......no, DESPISE the game World of Warcraft. Seeing that game, even hearing people talk about that game, stirs up emotions and memories that I cannot control. I can't help but hate that game with a passion.

When I see someone playing WoW, I remember getting yelled at for asking a question or trying to talk to my husband while he was playing it. I remember getting completely ignored for years while that game was the background noise for hours and hours on end. I remember feeling helpless when my kids tried to get his attention while the game seemed to be the only thing that mattered. I remember feeling all alone in the hospital room while in labor with my son the night before he was born because my husband had to go home and play that game.

Oh, yes, I will definitely agree that my anger is displaced. I have blamed WoW for my marriage breaking up. I have blamed WoW for a lot. I hate WoW. I detest. I despise WoW. Even after all the hurt I have endured, I cannot hate him. It is so much easier to hate that game.

So, it may be misplaced anger and hatred, but I will forever HATE that game. To me, hating an object is so much easier and healthier than hating a person that you loved for 10 years.

Listen to me

Anyone that has had any contact with me in the last 9 months, can attest to the fact that it has not been easy for me. There are even times now that I may look put together on the outside, but on the inside, I am a complete mess. I have a way of pretending that everything in my life is perfect, when in fact, I can't even understand the emotions inside of me. For example, the last few weeks I have felt so incredibly depressed, but instead of talking to someone, I just bottle it up inside.

I am not sure why I feel like I have to bottle up my feelings and emotions. Maybe its because I don't even know why I am depressed. Maybe it is because it is just easier that way because no one looks at you like you are pathetic or feels sorry for you. No one tries to make you talk when you obviously don't want to. No one is going to criticize how you feel. No one is going to try and give you advice, or worse yet, try and sympathise with you when they have no clue how you are feeling.

I am not sure why people can't get it. Sometimes, people just need some one to listen to them. You don't need to say anything at all. Just listen to me so I can get it out.

And a hug. Sometimes, that is all you can do and it is all that I want.

Thursday, August 5, 2010

Seasons


Seasons come and go, just like phases in your life. You have spring, beautiful and breezy, with life starting to grow everywhere. Then you have summertime, hot and humid, but full of fun and enjoyment. Fall is beautiful at the beginning, but cold and damp in the end. Then there is winter. Winter is cold, but beautiful in its own way. I think I can put my life so far into these seasons pretty easily.

The first part of my life was quite obviously spring. It is easy to put my childhood into springtime. Spring is full of life starting to grow. When I remember spring growing up, I remember finally getting to run and play outside. I have so many memories that took place in the springtime. As a child, you are so excited cause summer is almost here.

Summertime, would be the time between high school and when I got married. That is the time in my life, as it is with most young adults, that was filled with fun and enjoyment. Though some of the choices I made in that time were not necessarily good decisions, I had fun. Everyone knows that summertime is full of excitement and new things, just as my life at the time was excitement and fun and new things.


I would definitely put the years I was married into fall. Fall is beautiful in the beginning. The leaves are changing and the weather is usually perfect. Yes, there are a few cold days in the beginning of fall, but mostly you have nice days. The same can be said for the beginning of my marriage. I have so many good memories from the beginning of my marriage. The unfortunate thing about fall is that it ushers in winter. The end of fall is cold, and, if you want to get technical, the leaves that were so beautiful in the beginning of fall, were actually dying. Seems harsh, but the leaves were doomed from the beginning. I often wonder if you can say that about my marriage, as horrible and awful as that may sound.



Winter, is quite obviously the time in my life I have been experiencing this year....cold and dark. That may be a little bit of an exaggeration, but there were times when it felt that way. However, winter can also be beautiful, even though it is cold, with the newly fallen snow. I can think of many things that have happened through out this year that have been great, even beautiful. So even though it has been a rough, cold, long road, there have been some good moments.

And the best thing about winter is that it brings in spring. And spring is, of course, new life.

Thursday, July 29, 2010

My favorite time of the year

People often ask me how I can spend so much time out at the Elkhart County 4-H Fair. It is true you have to wait in long lines to park just to walk a long way to get in the gates, and then tote around kids that tend to get grumpy when they get hot and tired. Then you have to fight long lines to ride rides and to get food. Even with all that, I love the fair. The fair for me, is not just about the food and riding rides. (Not that those aren't GREAT reasons to go!)

The biggest reason is probably because I was raised spending time at the fair. It's in my blood. I love to be there and walk around. It brings back so many memories. Almost all of those memories, are with my family. Mom, Dad, Kenny and Amanda are a good portion of those memories. Then, of course, there is Uncle John and Uncle Lee. It wasn't the fair without them being around too. Some of the people that I am closest to now, 11 years out of 4-H, are of my friends I made in 4-H. My best friend today, Sarah, was the first friend I made in 4-H. Who knew 22 Years after we first met at the age of 8, that she would become my dearest and closest friend?


The memories I cherish the most from 4-H though, are of my grandfather. He loved the 4-H fair. He could always be counted on to be there any time we were showing, no matter what we were showing. He could also be counted on to buy us donuts when mom and dad said we couldn't have any more money. (Or anything else we wanted, for that matter.) I cherish those memories of my grandfather more than any of the other memories I have of him. I think that's because, in his own quiet way, he loved the fair more than any of us. He may not of said it, but we all knew how proud of us he was when we did well.

So other than the fun and the food, there are so many more reasons that I love the fair. I love what 4-H stands for. I love the lifetime lessons that it teaches kids. I love going to the fair grounds and having a reunion every year. Mostly though, I just love the memories I have there.

My kids aren't old enough to be 4-Her's yet. However, I already know they will be. They both love the fair and animals, just as much as I do. I can only hope, that in 20 years, they can go back to visit and have just as many cherished memories of family and friends as I do.

Wednesday, July 28, 2010

To Hope

To Hope
By John Keats


When by my solitary hearth I sit,
And hateful thoughts enwrap my soul in gloom;
When no fair dreams before my 'mind's eye' flit,
And the bare heath of life presents no bloom;
Sweet Hope, ethereal balm upon me shed,
And wave thy silver pinions o'er my head.

Where're I wander, at the fall of night,
Where woven boughs shut out the moon's bright ray.
Should sad Despondency my musings fright,
And frown, to drive fair Cheerfulness away,
Peep with the moon-beams through the leafy roof
And keep that fiend Despondence far aloof.

Should Disappointment, parent of Despair,
Strive for her son to seize my careless heart;
When, like a cloud, he sits upon the air,
Preparing on his spell-bound prey to dart:
Chace him away, sweet Hope, with visage bright,
And fright him as the morning frightens night!.

Whene'er the fate of those I hold most dear
Tells to my fearful breast a tale of sorrow,
O bright-eyes Hope, my morbid fancy cheer;
Let me awhile thy sweetest comforts borrow:
Thy heaven-born radiance around me shed,
And wave thy silver ponions o'er my head!

Should e'er unhappy love my bosom pain,
From cruel parents, or relentless fair;
O let me think it is not quite in vain
To sigh out sonnets to the midnight air!
Sweet Hope, ethereal balm upon me shed,
And wave thy silver pinions o'er my head!

In the long vista of the years roll,
Let me not see our country's honour fade:
O let me see our land retain her soul,
Her pride, her freedom; and not freedom's shade.
From thy bright eyes unusual brightness shed---
Beneath thy pinions canopy my head!

Let me not see the patriot's high bequest,
Great Liberty! how great in plain attire!
With the base purple of a court oppress'd,
Bowing her head, and ready to expire:
But let me see thee stoop from heaven on wings
That fill the skies with silver glitterings!

And as, in sparkling majesty, a star
Gilds the bright summit of some gloomy cloud;
Brightening the half veil'd face of heaven afar:
So, when dark thoughts my boding spirit shroud,
Sweet Hope, celestial influence round me shed,
Waving thy silver pinions o'er my head!

Two....I mean Three sides to every story

After I learned my husband and I were splitting, someone told me, in a not so nice way, that there are two sides to every story. This is semi-true. There are definitely two, sometimes completely different sides, to every story. However, there is a third side that is often forgotten....what actually happened.

I admit that I may not remember things the same way as my husband does. Even after only 7 months, I know there are things that I remember happening one way, and he remembers another. I am more than willing to admit that there are some things that we may even have seen differently when it happened. I may have reacted in a way that led him to believe that it happened one way when it actually happened another. AND I am sure the same thing goes for him.

For some reason, when we are telling out prospective sides of the story, what actually happened is bound to get mixed up and lost. So much to the point that looking back in a year or two, some things even now looking back, we may not even remember how we actually got to where we are. I believe that this is how we get two sides to every story. It may not be purposefully, at least I hope not, but it does happen.

So, we now have three sides to this "story": his side, my side, and what actually happened. I can only hope that what actually happened doesn't get too lost as the years go by.

Now, that being said, there is a point to my ramblings. (At least this time, cause we all know I like to ramble a lot.) The point is that telling blatant lies that we both know are not true, just so you can save face, is not cool.

When I hear a lie about myself, and I know that we both know it isn't true, well, it kinda makes me extremely irritated. So.......lie all you want to save face in front of your friends......we both know the truth.

Thursday, July 22, 2010

Inspiration from Shel Silverstein (I just love this one!!!)

WHERE THE SIDEWALK ENDS

There is a place where the sidewalk ends
And before the street begins,
And there the grass grows soft and white,
And there the sun burns crimson bright,
And there the moon-bird rests from his flight
To cool in the peppermint wind.
Let us leave this place where the smoke blows black
And the dark street winds and bends.
Past the pits where the asphalt flowers grow
We shall walk with a walk that is measured and slow,
And watch where the chalk-white arrows go
To the place where the sidewalk ends.
Yes we'll walk with a walk that is measured and slow,
And we''ll go where the chalk-white arrows go,
For the children, they mark, and the children, they know,
The place where the sidewalk ends.

Random Thoughts from a Pensive Soul

The house is quiet. My roommate is in bed. The kids are fast asleep. I am in a very thoughtful mood tonight. I have my favorite music playing in the background and the smell of my fresh baked cookies in the air. Usually, the thought of being alone with my thoughts frightens me. Lately though, I have learned to cherish this time with my thoughts. It almost nurtures me, gives me sustenance.


Why would actually allowing myself to sit and think be like feeding my soul though? I have spent a good majority of this year running from my thoughts. If I don't think about it, it can't upset me. It can not cause me any apprehension, doubtfulness or uncertainty. I can just go about my days faking that I am happy, pretending life hasn't knocked me down.


That's just it though. If I didn't allow myself to meditate over life, then I have no way to get back up on my feet. Therefore, this process of gathering one's thought really does feed the soul and nurtures you.


I think that is why I am finally, after six months, okay with thinking about what has happened. To say that I haven't thought about it is a bit of an exaggeration. I have thought and talked about it a lot. I have gone through the motions of getting through life.


Once I learned to actually allow myself to truly contemplate all this, I started feeling better. Yes, I had to make decisions. I had to figure out what was best for the kids. That's where I stopped though. I didn't truly allow myself to think about how all this had effected me as a person, only how it would effect the kids. However, about a month or two ago, I actually thought about everything without pushing any unpleasant thoughts from my head. I went to bed, feeling down. The amazing thing was the next day, I woke up feeling refreshed. It's like my body truly needed that. It was like....meditation.


And the more I allowed myself to do that, the happier I became. Not the fake happy that I had been pretending to be, but honest to goodness happy.


Where am I going with all this? I have no clue. I mentioned I was in a thoughtful mood right? Well, there is one thing I do know. I am gonna just sit here, with my glass of milk and fresh baked cookies, and think about life: past, present, and future. And I am just gonna smile. I am gonna smile because even though my life hast had its bumps in the road, I still win. I win because I can think about the bumps in the road, and come out in the end, still smiling.



Monday, July 19, 2010

Overload

When someone goes through a difficult time in there life, it seems natural for people to give advice. I guess that it is assumed that you need to hear it. You need direction and encouragement. You need someone who is gonna understand and be able to help you out.

I am not going to sit here and say that it isn't true. Yes, I have needed to hear some advice from others. There have been times in the last six months when I have needed some encouragement and direction from others. I have certainly surrounded myself with people that understand what I am going through and can help me through this difficult time.

BUT COME ON PEOPLE! I am on advice overload. It is not that I don't appreciate it. I just think that I am getting to the point where I don't need advice on how to deal with this divorce, or my husband, or my kids. I pretty much have that figured out. If I need any advice, I will ask. I have never been one that can't admit when I need help.

So that being said, I would like to thank everyone for their words of encouragement, and for being so understanding and sympathetic. However, my life is moving forward, in a good way. So, what I would like to is ask that instead of asking how I am handling the divorce, how the kids are adjusting, or if there is anything you can do to help, just ask me about me and what I am doing NOW. You know, how are you? What's keeping you busy these days? How is your new job?

I am not saying I won't need to talk about it. I KNOW I will need to talk about it. When I need to talk about it though, I will, but without the pressure I have been getting from some.

I am doing well and enjoying life. Please let me move forward and not have to constantly talk about what happened. I am looking forward to my wonderful future with my amazing kids. That is more than enough for me.

Wednesday, July 14, 2010

She is

She is beautiful, inside and out.

She is caring and giving.

She has an amazing strength and courage. I only hope that some day I can have half of the strength she has.

She is a woman of amazing faith, and she is not afraid to share it.

She knows what I need to hear, even when I don't want to hear it.

She is not afraid to speak her mind.

She is intelligent and driven.

She loves me for who I am, unconditionally.

She is a Phenomenal Woman, and I hope she knows.

She is my inspiration and my friend.

She is my mother.

Wednesday, July 7, 2010

6 months later

I has been exactly 6 months since my world turned upside down. When my husband broke the news to me, I remember feeling lost, broken, confused, frustrated, and alone. I didn't know what move to make next, let alone how I was going to make it through the day. I didn't know how I would ever recover from this brutal blow I had taken in my life. Suddenly, I was left feeling helpless, not knowing who I was.

Now looking back, I am not sure how in only six months I have become the person I have become. I definitely could not have done it without the help and support of God, my family, and my friends. However, I am still a little bit baffled at how I have made it so far in so little time. I have friends that are going through the same things, and for some reason, they look to me for support. It is weird because all I did was what I had to do.

I had to get by. I had to move on. I HAD TO BE STRONG. To be completely honest, none of it was for me. I had to do it for my kids. I had to make decisions that were forced on me that were best for them. And what was best for them was to have a physically, mentally, emotionally, spiritually healthy mother. So when I am asked how I do it every day without having breakdowns, I simply say, because I had to.

Now, don't get me wrong. I have had my fair share of breakdowns. There have been days when I don't want to get up in the morning. There have been days that I hear a song on the radio and have to pull the car over because the lyrics evoke such strong emotions. There have been days that I wake up crying and don't know why, and often, find it hard to stop.

But I take a deep breath, think of something that brings me joy, and do something for myself that day. Whether it is a long walk, a cup of coffee, or a long conversation with a friend.....I do something that makes me happy. That is the only way I have figured out how to get through those days.

I had a long conversation with a friend the other day. He is also going through a divorce. He was talking about recovery, wondering when he would ever feel completely recovered from what his ex wife did to him. The word recovery really got me thinking. I had told him that night that I thought that some people never fully recover from such a life changing event. Some do, but some don't. I thought about it for a few days and I realize exactly what I meant by that statement.

The definition of recovery is "to return to an original state". By saying that we recover from such a life changing event, is saying that we become the person we were before. I do not really think that is possible.

Do we move on?
Yes.

Do we make it through?
Yes.

Do we survive?
Yes.

Does our life completely change?
ABSOLUTELY!

We cannot recover because there is no way to go back to the person we were before. The events and circumstances that have occurred in our life change us. So, to say that we can return to an original state is impossible because we are a changed being.

This is not necessarily a bad thing. I know that personally, I will never be the person I was six months ago, nor do I want to be that person.

That person was meek, afraid to show her feelings and afraid to stand up for herself.

Today, I am strong.

That person was ashamed of who she was and who she had become.

Today, I am confident.

That person felt like a failure in her marriage and in life.

Today, I feel successful.

That person felt ugly, both inside and out.

Today, I feel beautiful.


So, my point in all this rambling is this. Six months ago, my life changed. It was not of my doing or my will. My life changed and I did not have any choice but to accept it. So because of that, I am a changed person.

To put it in a cheesy, poetic form, I have gone through metamorphism. I am a butterfly. So I am gonna spread my wings and fly. (Sorry, I had to do it.)


glitter graphics

Wednesday, June 23, 2010

Pure Joy

What is happiness?



I think that for every single person, it is something different. Everyone has certain things that make them happy, that bring them joy. Often, it is the little things that make people the most happy. Even on the worst days, there are always those things that make me smile, no matter what is going on in my crazy mixed up life right now. These are the things that bring my life the most joy:



The sounds of my laughing children.

The smell of fresh coffee in the morning.

An unexpected call from a friend or family member.

A cheesy vibrant smile from my nephew.

My son saying "yuv oo too mommy."

Hanging out watching movies with my friends.

The smell of lilacs.

Long walks in the park.

A good book under a cool shade tree.


My point is, that life is hard. But if you can find pure joy and happiness in the little things in life, the days don't seem so bad. So look for something good today. One thing that can make you smile or laugh and just hold onto it. And when things don't seem to be going right, bring up that memory and just smile. Find something to smile about today.

Monday, June 7, 2010

I prayed....

I prayed for his heart to change.
It didn't.
I prayed for answers.
I got few.
I prayed for hope.
I recieved a little.
I prayed for peace.
It's coming...slowly.
I prayed for guidance.
I did get that,
from more people than I needed it.

What I didn't pray for was joy.
Or happiness.
Or confidence.
Or love.
Or energy.
Or new friendships.

Funny, how He knows just what you need,
Even when you don't know you need it.

Thursday, May 20, 2010

Back and Better Than Ever

It still amazes me how time flies by. It doesn't seem possible that it has been over a month since my AMAZING vacation with my family and friends. It also doesn't seem possible that so much has happened since then.

First I finally opened my store in Granger as the RGM. All is going well with that, but I am exhausted from all the extra hours I have been putting in. Fortunately though, it is going so well, that my Area Coach told me not to work so many hours. (YEAH!!) I have a couple great managers and a few awesome employees. Some of them need a little work, but that is just part of my job.

I also got a new car. After over a month of putting about 20 dollars of gas in the car, the brakes not working well, and a bottle of power steering fluid a day in the stupid thing, I FINALLY decided to get a new one. It took a little work to get a loan, since I am still working on cleaning up my credit. Thanks to my AWESOME friend Becca co-signing on my 2009 HHR, I am officially feeling safe driving to work again.

Speaking of Becca, she is moving in as we speak. So for the first time since college I will have a room mate. It will be interesting, since Christina and Logan will have to share a room again, but we will make it work. I will be able to feel more comfortable with paying bills, and get up on my feet again. Not that I don't feel like I am getting back on my feet already, but It will help me feel even better about it all.

Other than that, I went camping with my awesome group of friends. I had so much fun and so did the kids! It was the first camping trip I have been on with either of my kids because My husband never wanted to go camping, even though it is one of my daughter's favorite things to do during the summer. Fortunately, she has always had two awesome sets of grandparents that have taken her camping during the summers. It was so nice though to get to share that experience with them. We are hoping to all do it again a couple of times this summer.

Oh yeah, May 12th was Chad and I's 9th wedding anniversary. It was kinda bittersweet. Part of me was sad, because I kept thinking about how I had failed. Failed my marriage and my kids. I can't help but feeling that way because to me, marriage was meant to be forever. The words to the song sang by Clint Black and his wife, say it the best. "When I said I do, I meant that I will, Till the end of all time..." But I have no control over that since I never wanted the divorce in the beginning. So, to fight off the blah's, I invited my awesome friends over for dinner with me and my kids. We played games and had an awesome time.

So all this has happened since May 1st. I am feeling great about my job and my kids. Over all, just great about life. The days that I am happy and content with my life way out number the ones that I don't. That is an awesome feeling. I'm back, and better than ever.

Wednesday, May 5, 2010

Pride

These are more verses that I needed to remember myself. So I thought I would post them here so I knew where to find them instantly. Sometimes you just need to be reminded.

Proverbs 11:2
When pride comes, then comes disgrace, but with the humble is wisdom.

Proverbs 29:23
One's pride will bring him low, but he who is lowly in spirit will obtain honor.

1 Peter 5:5
Likewise, you who are younger, be subject to the elders. Clothe yourselves, all of you, with humility toward one another, for “God opposes the proud but gives grace to the humble.”

Proverbs 16:18
Pride goes before destruction, and a haughty spirit before a fall.

Monday, May 3, 2010

I need.....I want

I was talking to a friend yesterday. I made the comment that I don't need this, but I WANT this. It really got me thinking after I said it. It got me thinking about life. There are so many things in life that are necessities, and sometimes it is hard to distinguish between what you want and what you need. So, as always, I questioned myself.

What do I WANT?

I want life to go as I planned it. (Yeah right.)
I want my kids to be happy.
I want to be the best mother that I can be.
I want to be loved.
I want my store opening tomorrow to go well.
I want to be successful.
I want to pay off my bills.
I want to do what makes me happy.
I want a new car.
I want to know where God is taking me in life.


What do I NEED?

I need God.
I need my kids.

Wow! My needs list is so much shorter, but so much more important. What else really matters? Just my kids and my God. Without them I am nothing. So Maybe instead of focusing on my wants, I need to focus on my needs. I know what I need. I know what I can't live without. And the two things I can't live without, are the most important things in the world.

Saturday, April 24, 2010

Queen of the Castle

As of Tuesday, I will officially be the RGM of my own store. It's a nice promotion with great benefits. Today, I spent a few hours there doing interviews. It was the first time I was at my store for more than just a few minutes. I was there with my boss Ward, the Area coach. We were standing up front looking at the store when it hit me. This is mine. (Well, not literally mine.) My baby. I am queen of the castle here.

It all suddenly felt real for the first time. I felt a deep sense of pride. This is what I have been working for since I first became a restaurant manager. I have worked hard through the years at each of my management positions to prove that I was ready and that I could do this. I have put in a lot of hours and hard work. And now, someone finally thinks I am ready. Though I was hired and trained to do this job, I had to prove it to my superiors....and I did.

This is gonna be a lot of responsibility. This is gonna be the hardest thing I have ever done in my professional life. I, alone, am responsible for all the staffing, training and ordering. I am responsible for all the numbers, both good and bad. This is mine to succeed at or fail.

I will not except failure. I will not settle for second best. I will be successful. I am the queen of my own castle. That is so cool!

Communication

I love to talk but somehow, I have problems Communicating. I can talk about nothing all day long, but when it is something important, I have issues communicating with people. It could be someone I talk to everyday. It could be someone I tell everything to. But sometimes, some things are difficult to talk about.

Funny how you can talk and talk and talk and not communicate a single thing. I have the habit of waiting for the "perfect opportunity" or "when the moment is right." Sometimes I have to realize that the perfect moment is sometimes right now. Not when the subject comes up. Not when the mood is right. THE PERFECT MOMENT IS RIGHT NOW!

One would think that after my marriage broke, I would have learned that communication is key in all relationships...whether it is a romantic relationship, with family, a friendship, or business relationships. YOU HAVE TO COMMUNICATE! My marriage failed primarily because of lack of communication on both parts.

And yet, I still struggle to communicate with people. So I am gonna really start communicating with people RIGHT NOW. I am not gonna wait cause then I never say anything and I bottle it up inside while I wait for that one single perfect moment. And sometimes that perfect moment never comes and my feelings and/or thoughts stay bottled up.

No more. Life sucks when you bottle up your feelings. All it does is make you stressed out. I have enough to stress about!

Wednesday, April 21, 2010

Peace

I am in a very....thoughtful mood tonight. I have been thinking about my life and how it has changed, and how I have changed in the last 3 and a half months. It hit me today when my car started acting up again, with a new problem. Instead of freaking out about it and wondering how I was going to deal with this on top of everything else, I was calm. I took it for what it was - one more hurdle that I was gonna have to figure out. Most importantly though, I knew it was gonna be okay. I knew I would figure it out. Whether I have to have it fixed or whether I have to get a new car, I KNEW I was gonna get it figured out.

Three months ago, or even a month ago, that wouldn't have been the case. I would have freaked out. I would have cried. I would have had a mental breakdown. I would have worried about it non stop till I figured it out or completely exhausted myself. Why the change in my reaction? Why am I happier? Interesting question.... It could be any number of things.

It could be the support of my family and friends.
It could be that I am feeling confident and sure of myself.
It could be my promotion at work.
It could be the fact that I just got back from an awesome vacation with my family.

Or it could be that I realize why all those things are happening to me. I realized that God is answering my prayers. The biggest thing I prayed for in the first couple weeks and months after all this happened was peace and understanding. Yeah, I also prayed hard for reconciliation with my husband, but I put it in all in God's hands. I understand that God gave people free will. God can't control how my husband feels, but he can work in his life. I also prayed hard for that - for God to work in his life. AND....I can see him working in my husbands life.

He has filled me with peace and I didn't even realize it. God is Good. He is so Good and so faithful. Our God is an Awesome God.

Always be

Always be
independent
with that sassy little attitude
a determined individual to the core




Always be
innocent
with that wide eyed expression
a soul undamaged by the world





Always be
vivacious
with your child like energy
a life full of hope and eagerness




Always be
sensitive
with your caring dispositoin
a heart bursting with love for everyone





Always be
my little girl


Monday, April 19, 2010

What is it you would let go of today?

"Even though you may want to move forward in your life, you may have one foot on the brakes. In order to be free, we must learn how to let go. Release the hurt. Release the fear. Refuse to entertain your old pain. The energy it takes to hang onto the past is holding you back from a new life. What is it you would let go of today?" - Mary Manin Morrissey

I posted this quote last month cause it really made me think. I went back to it today and can't seem to get it off my mind. I kept reading it over and over again. Is it really possible that while I am trying to move forward in life, that I can't because I have one foot on the breaks? Am I free? What do I need to do to let go and truly be free? So, as I tend to do, I dissected each individual part of the quote and turned it into questions. I asked myself and answered each question. I truly took a few minutes to contemplate it and wrote a few down. It was like a counseling session with myself.


"Release the hurt."

What is it that has hurt me? Why am I holding on to the hurt? How do I release the hurt?

"Release the fear."

What am I afraid of? What is causing these fears? Are my fears irrational? Can I get past the fears and really be free?

"Refuse to entertain your old pain."

What are my old pains? How long have I been entertaining these pains when I should be letting go of them? Why do I allow them to hang around?

"What is it that you would let go of today?"

Wow...what would I let go of today? I would let go of my anger. I would let go of my insecurities. I would let go of feelings of failure. I would let go of the hurt.

Scratch that....
I WILL let go of my anger. I WILL let go of my insecurities. I WILL let go of feelings of failure. I WILL let go of the hurt.
I WILL be free!!!


I REFUSE to use all my energy to hang onto the past. I REFUSE to let it hold me back from a new life. I REFUSE to keep going through life with my foot on the brakes.

Watch out world cause I am taking my foot off the brakes and stepping on the gas!

WHY?

WHY? It is probably the question asked most by children everywhere. It starts when they are trying to figure out the world around them. It is a word that some mothers learn to dread, especially if it is dealing with more serious matters. I know that I have had to choose my words wisely quite a few times when asked the dreaded "Why?" questions by my five year old Christina. Mostly, because every mother knows that if you don't answer the initial question in just the right way to satisfy their inquiring minds, then it is immediately followed by yet another "Why?" (And sometimes a whole stirring of Whys.)

You see, a five year old knows that if they ask enough whys, they will eventually get the answer they were looking for, or at least the answer that will satisfy their curiosity for the moment. (That is unless they get a "Because I said so" or "Just because" answer that my mother was famous for. And I might add that I have gotten pretty good at myself.)

With everything that has been going on in my crazy, mixed up life right now, I have found myself reverting back to that 5 year old mentality. I think I have been hoping that if I ask enough whys then maybe my life will make sense again. Maybe if I keep questioning, then I will find the answer that I am looking for. Maybe, just maybe, I can truly move on if I can just figure out why this is all happening.

But God doesn't work that way. I have had to learn, or re-learn that is, how to truly trust in God and what He is doing in my life. God will answer all my questions, but the key is patience. Not in my time, but in HIS time will my questions be answered, and there is a chance that I may never know some of the answers. So I am waiting and listening, searching and hoping, both patiently and anxiously, for His answers. Could be today, or tomorrow, or even next year. But I have faith that He WILL answer in His own time, in His own way.

Until then, I am holding fast still to Jeremiah 29:11.

"For I know the plans I have for you declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."

I don't know where my life will take me from here, but I know that constantly asking "Why?" is not getting me anywhere. Its only giving me frustration and anxiousness. So instead of "Why?", I am going to start simply saying thanks for what I do know.

Thank you Lord for Two beautiful Children who think I am the greatest mother ever.

Thank you Lord for a family that is always loving and supporting me in everything I do.

Thank you Lord for friends who make me laugh and always have an ear to listen.

Thank you Lord for loving me, even when I don't love myself.

Thank you Lord for forgiving me for my mistakes.

Thank you Lord for giving us Jesus Christ so that I CAN be forgiven for those mistakes.

Thank you Lord!
Thank you Lord!
Thank you Lord!