Saturday, April 24, 2010

Queen of the Castle

As of Tuesday, I will officially be the RGM of my own store. It's a nice promotion with great benefits. Today, I spent a few hours there doing interviews. It was the first time I was at my store for more than just a few minutes. I was there with my boss Ward, the Area coach. We were standing up front looking at the store when it hit me. This is mine. (Well, not literally mine.) My baby. I am queen of the castle here.

It all suddenly felt real for the first time. I felt a deep sense of pride. This is what I have been working for since I first became a restaurant manager. I have worked hard through the years at each of my management positions to prove that I was ready and that I could do this. I have put in a lot of hours and hard work. And now, someone finally thinks I am ready. Though I was hired and trained to do this job, I had to prove it to my superiors....and I did.

This is gonna be a lot of responsibility. This is gonna be the hardest thing I have ever done in my professional life. I, alone, am responsible for all the staffing, training and ordering. I am responsible for all the numbers, both good and bad. This is mine to succeed at or fail.

I will not except failure. I will not settle for second best. I will be successful. I am the queen of my own castle. That is so cool!


I love to talk but somehow, I have problems Communicating. I can talk about nothing all day long, but when it is something important, I have issues communicating with people. It could be someone I talk to everyday. It could be someone I tell everything to. But sometimes, some things are difficult to talk about.

Funny how you can talk and talk and talk and not communicate a single thing. I have the habit of waiting for the "perfect opportunity" or "when the moment is right." Sometimes I have to realize that the perfect moment is sometimes right now. Not when the subject comes up. Not when the mood is right. THE PERFECT MOMENT IS RIGHT NOW!

One would think that after my marriage broke, I would have learned that communication is key in all relationships...whether it is a romantic relationship, with family, a friendship, or business relationships. YOU HAVE TO COMMUNICATE! My marriage failed primarily because of lack of communication on both parts.

And yet, I still struggle to communicate with people. So I am gonna really start communicating with people RIGHT NOW. I am not gonna wait cause then I never say anything and I bottle it up inside while I wait for that one single perfect moment. And sometimes that perfect moment never comes and my feelings and/or thoughts stay bottled up.

No more. Life sucks when you bottle up your feelings. All it does is make you stressed out. I have enough to stress about!

Wednesday, April 21, 2010


I am in a very....thoughtful mood tonight. I have been thinking about my life and how it has changed, and how I have changed in the last 3 and a half months. It hit me today when my car started acting up again, with a new problem. Instead of freaking out about it and wondering how I was going to deal with this on top of everything else, I was calm. I took it for what it was - one more hurdle that I was gonna have to figure out. Most importantly though, I knew it was gonna be okay. I knew I would figure it out. Whether I have to have it fixed or whether I have to get a new car, I KNEW I was gonna get it figured out.

Three months ago, or even a month ago, that wouldn't have been the case. I would have freaked out. I would have cried. I would have had a mental breakdown. I would have worried about it non stop till I figured it out or completely exhausted myself. Why the change in my reaction? Why am I happier? Interesting question.... It could be any number of things.

It could be the support of my family and friends.
It could be that I am feeling confident and sure of myself.
It could be my promotion at work.
It could be the fact that I just got back from an awesome vacation with my family.

Or it could be that I realize why all those things are happening to me. I realized that God is answering my prayers. The biggest thing I prayed for in the first couple weeks and months after all this happened was peace and understanding. Yeah, I also prayed hard for reconciliation with my husband, but I put it in all in God's hands. I understand that God gave people free will. God can't control how my husband feels, but he can work in his life. I also prayed hard for that - for God to work in his life. AND....I can see him working in my husbands life.

He has filled me with peace and I didn't even realize it. God is Good. He is so Good and so faithful. Our God is an Awesome God.

Always be

Always be
with that sassy little attitude
a determined individual to the core

Always be
with that wide eyed expression
a soul undamaged by the world

Always be
with your child like energy
a life full of hope and eagerness

Always be
with your caring dispositoin
a heart bursting with love for everyone

Always be
my little girl

Monday, April 19, 2010

What is it you would let go of today?

"Even though you may want to move forward in your life, you may have one foot on the brakes. In order to be free, we must learn how to let go. Release the hurt. Release the fear. Refuse to entertain your old pain. The energy it takes to hang onto the past is holding you back from a new life. What is it you would let go of today?" - Mary Manin Morrissey

I posted this quote last month cause it really made me think. I went back to it today and can't seem to get it off my mind. I kept reading it over and over again. Is it really possible that while I am trying to move forward in life, that I can't because I have one foot on the breaks? Am I free? What do I need to do to let go and truly be free? So, as I tend to do, I dissected each individual part of the quote and turned it into questions. I asked myself and answered each question. I truly took a few minutes to contemplate it and wrote a few down. It was like a counseling session with myself.

"Release the hurt."

What is it that has hurt me? Why am I holding on to the hurt? How do I release the hurt?

"Release the fear."

What am I afraid of? What is causing these fears? Are my fears irrational? Can I get past the fears and really be free?

"Refuse to entertain your old pain."

What are my old pains? How long have I been entertaining these pains when I should be letting go of them? Why do I allow them to hang around?

"What is it that you would let go of today?"

Wow...what would I let go of today? I would let go of my anger. I would let go of my insecurities. I would let go of feelings of failure. I would let go of the hurt.

Scratch that....
I WILL let go of my anger. I WILL let go of my insecurities. I WILL let go of feelings of failure. I WILL let go of the hurt.
I WILL be free!!!

I REFUSE to use all my energy to hang onto the past. I REFUSE to let it hold me back from a new life. I REFUSE to keep going through life with my foot on the brakes.

Watch out world cause I am taking my foot off the brakes and stepping on the gas!


WHY? It is probably the question asked most by children everywhere. It starts when they are trying to figure out the world around them. It is a word that some mothers learn to dread, especially if it is dealing with more serious matters. I know that I have had to choose my words wisely quite a few times when asked the dreaded "Why?" questions by my five year old Christina. Mostly, because every mother knows that if you don't answer the initial question in just the right way to satisfy their inquiring minds, then it is immediately followed by yet another "Why?" (And sometimes a whole stirring of Whys.)

You see, a five year old knows that if they ask enough whys, they will eventually get the answer they were looking for, or at least the answer that will satisfy their curiosity for the moment. (That is unless they get a "Because I said so" or "Just because" answer that my mother was famous for. And I might add that I have gotten pretty good at myself.)

With everything that has been going on in my crazy, mixed up life right now, I have found myself reverting back to that 5 year old mentality. I think I have been hoping that if I ask enough whys then maybe my life will make sense again. Maybe if I keep questioning, then I will find the answer that I am looking for. Maybe, just maybe, I can truly move on if I can just figure out why this is all happening.

But God doesn't work that way. I have had to learn, or re-learn that is, how to truly trust in God and what He is doing in my life. God will answer all my questions, but the key is patience. Not in my time, but in HIS time will my questions be answered, and there is a chance that I may never know some of the answers. So I am waiting and listening, searching and hoping, both patiently and anxiously, for His answers. Could be today, or tomorrow, or even next year. But I have faith that He WILL answer in His own time, in His own way.

Until then, I am holding fast still to Jeremiah 29:11.

"For I know the plans I have for you declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."

I don't know where my life will take me from here, but I know that constantly asking "Why?" is not getting me anywhere. Its only giving me frustration and anxiousness. So instead of "Why?", I am going to start simply saying thanks for what I do know.

Thank you Lord for Two beautiful Children who think I am the greatest mother ever.

Thank you Lord for a family that is always loving and supporting me in everything I do.

Thank you Lord for friends who make me laugh and always have an ear to listen.

Thank you Lord for loving me, even when I don't love myself.

Thank you Lord for forgiving me for my mistakes.

Thank you Lord for giving us Jesus Christ so that I CAN be forgiven for those mistakes.

Thank you Lord!
Thank you Lord!
Thank you Lord!

Friday, April 16, 2010

It takes a village

I wonder how it's possible that I can be sitting on a balcony, in a cabin in the mountains of Gatlinburg Tennessee and I am still feeling sad. I am surrounded by God's Natural beauty: the tall trees that gloriously rise above, the pleasant rushing of the water rushing in the stream below, the mountains sitting majestically in the distance, and the wind rustling the leaves of the trees. Yet, even with all of God's wonderful, peaceful creations around me, I am still heavy hearted.

I have had a wonderful time so far. Wednesday, we went hiking with the kids and then spent the evening at the Cabin. Kenny, Keri, and Michal joined Mom, dad, Amanda, the kids and myself on Wednesday night, which made the whole family complete. Thursday, I was kidnapped to Dollywood by Kenny, Keri and Amanda. We had a fabulous time riding roller coasters and had some quality sibling bonding. Then after a wonderful dinner, we were joined by Jeanine and Larry, who are my parents best friends and my second set of parents, and their daughter Shana, who is one of my closest friends and sister. Today, we went to the rain forest adventure with the kids and watched them be amazed by some marvelous rainforest's creatures.

Still I feel lonely. There is something missing. It is not that I miss Chad. I miss there being two of us. Sometimes it takes two to calm the cries of a 2 year old that is overwhelmed by his new surroundings. It takes two to get a 5 year old to understand why she can not go outside or play in the water. It takes two to put on the shoes of a child that is upset about leaving the play place at a restaurant.

My family is the most amazing family anyone can ask for. They are supportive and compassionate. They are there to help me in my frustrations. They are there when I feel like I want to have a complete mental breakdown. They are there to help me with the kids and to give me hugs when I feel like I want to fall apart in tears. And, when I do fall apart, they take the kids off my hands so that I can have some alone time and sort through my crazy thoughts.

However, learning to rely on other people for these things can be difficult. Funny, cause it should be easy to rely on the people that have always been there for me. Always been there to pick me up when I am feeling down, and to give me a good laugh even when I am feeling good. But it is hard to admit that you are weak or that you need help. It is so much easier to be the person that is offering the support and compassion than to be the one that needs it.

So to my family and friends, I just want to say that I love you and I appreciate all that you do. It may take two to do some of the little things in life that should be easy, and yet are so difficult; but I am glad I have all of you to help me. They say it takes a village to raise a child. I have a pretty awesome village to lean on.

Wednesday, April 14, 2010

Family & the Smoky Mountains

I am sitting in a cabin in Gatlinburg, TN in the Smoky Mountains. My Dad drove me, my two kids, my mom and my sister down late last night. We arrived first thing this morning. We did some hiking and spent some time hanging out at the cabin in the Smoky Mountains. Tonight, my sister in law, brother, and nephew joined us. Tomorrow, my parents best friends and their daughter Shana, who is a good friend of mine will also join us.
So I am spending the next 4 days in a cabin with 12 people that I love dearly. Life is so good. Tomorrow I am being kidnapped my brother Kenny, his wife Keri, and my sister Amanda to go to Dolly wood and spend the day just the three of us. I can't wait for that. Quality time with my siblings sounds great after the last few months of my life. So off to bed to rest for a a fun filled day tomorrow!

Saturday, April 10, 2010

No more tears

There are no more tears to shed
for you
There is no heavy sadness welling up
in me
There is no longer love left
between us
There is no more feeling lost
without you


There are two beautiful gifts
from God
There are two happy smiles
despite this
There is love and laughter
with them
There are still infinite possibilities
before them


There will be no more fighting
from me
There is nothing left between us
except them
There is nothing else that matters
but them
There are only visions of their future
to see


without you
I still have them
with them
I still have hope

Wednesday, April 7, 2010

What brings you joy?

I always relished some peace and quiet. Especially after I had kids. I learned to enjoy my quiet times. Now, with my kids gone half the week, I have learned that my quiet time is now the time I have without them. I would rather spend every waking minute in a crazy, noisy house with them, than by myself. It has really made me appreciate the trucks getting banged into the wall, the telling each other what to do, and even the screaming and yelling . Sounds crazy, I know, but if I hear the screaming and yelling, then it means that my babies are in my house with me, where I want them to be always.

It brings me joy to hear the laughter in their voices and see their smiles. But it has made me appreciate all the more the crazy hectic life of a mom. I would trade every minute of peace and quiet I have to be with them all day every day. I don't think anything will make me appreciate my kids and motherhood more than this.

Sunday, April 4, 2010

Phenomenal Woman

Phenomenal Woman by Maya Angelou
Pretty women wonder where my secret lies.
I'm not cute or built to suit a fashion model's size
But when I start to tell them,
They think I'm telling lies.
I say,
It's in the reach of my arms
The span of my hips,
The stride of my step,
The curl of my lips.
I'm a woman
Phenomenal woman,
That's me.

I walk into a room
Just as cool as you please,
And to a man,
The fellows stand or
Fall down on their knees.
Then they swarm around me,
A hive of honey bees.
I say,
It's the fire in my eyes,
And the flash of my teeth,
The swing in my waist,
And the joy in my feet.
I'm a woman
Phenomenal woman,
That's me.

Men themselves have wondered
What they see in me.
They try so much
But they can't touch
My inner mystery.
When I try to show them
They say they still can't see.
I say,
It's in the arch of my back,
The sun of my smile,
The ride of my breasts,
The grace of my style.
I'm a woman

Phenomenal woman,
That's me.

Now you understand
Just why my head's not bowed.
I don't shout or jump about
Or have to talk real loud.
When you see me passing
It ought to make you proud.
I say,
It's in the click of my heels,
The bend of my hair,
the palm of my hand,
The need of my care,
'Cause I'm a woman
Phenomenal woman,
That's me.