Marriage Dissolved

"......Evidence is heard. Court enters and prepares Decree. Marriage Dissolved. Parties awarded...."

Wait a minute. I stop dead. Marriage Dissolved? I read it again. And Again.

Marriage Dissolved.

When I received the court documents today, I was not expecting what I got. I was expecting to read that we both appeared. I expected to read that the court was preparing the decree. I expected to read that my husband was to file the deed with the court. I expected to see that the case would be set for hearing after that was filed.

I did not expect to read those two words. "Marriage Dissolved."

So, after ten months of separation from my husband....uh....ex husband.....and after 6 months spent in court, my marriage is dissolved. Its over.

Wow.

All day long, people keep asking me how I am doing. I guess the best way to do that is to tell you about how I spent my afternoon.

I have to admit, after the last ten months it is a huge relief that it is finally over with. I also have to admit that my first reaction was a giant shout of Joy. I was surprised at myself that at that moment there was no sadness or sense of loss.

My next reaction was to jump in my car and go to the social security office to change my name back to my maiden name. I had the paper in my hand for less than five minutes before I was in the car driving to do that exact thing.

I changed my name on face book, and updated my status to let everyone who has been there and prayed for me know that it was over.

I called my mom. I called my best friend. I talked to my dad. I was doing good.

I had a "celebration" dinner with my roommate. Then, we came home and my brother called.

I love my brother. He lives 5 hours away, but somehow has the best sense of how I might be doing. He just seems to know and understand. He knew that I would be relieved. He knew that I would be happy. He understands that I didn't want this, but I have been forced to deal with what life has given me. He seems to understand that even though I am happy about this, it is not what I ever wanted. He also knew that I would eventually break down.

After I hung up the phone with my brother, I did cry a few tears. They were half because I wished he was here. I miss him. The other half was the finality of it all starting to sink in.

I took a nap. I had started getting a headache about 15 minutes after I received the news in the mail. So the nap accomplished 2 things. It helped to tone down the headache, and it helped me hide from the emotions that were starting to form. The emotions that I have been hiding for months now.

After the nap, I watched Letters to Juliet with my Roommate. Now, she is in bed and I am left alone with my thoughts. Trying to sleep seems to make them worse, so I am doing the only thing I know how to do to work through those emotions. I am writing.

So the question remains. HOW AM I DOING?

I am happy.
I am relieved.
I am sad.
I am angry.

I have shouted for joy.
I have celebrated.
I have mourned.
I have cried.
I have broke down.

I feel overjoyed at the thought of the long ride being over.
I feel excited because I have a full life of wonderful things ahead of me.
I feel like I have failed.
I feel like I could sleep for days, and yet can't seem to close my eyes.

It is exciting. It is sad. It is bittersweet.

Funny how a short sentence, only two words, can change you in an instant.

Marriage Dissolved.

So that is where I am at. It has been twelve hours since I found out my marriage was officially over and I have experienced almost every emotion you could possibly think of. That is how I am doing.

This is not the end, just the beginning. The first day of the rest of my life. I am gonna keep doing what I have been doing and living my life for my kids, and for myself. Taking it day to day, step by step. God will get me through it. I have no doubt He will. God is good and He has some AWESOME things in store for me. That is what gets me through the day.