Thursday, July 22, 2010

Random Thoughts from a Pensive Soul

The house is quiet. My roommate is in bed. The kids are fast asleep. I am in a very thoughtful mood tonight. I have my favorite music playing in the background and the smell of my fresh baked cookies in the air. Usually, the thought of being alone with my thoughts frightens me. Lately though, I have learned to cherish this time with my thoughts. It almost nurtures me, gives me sustenance.

Why would actually allowing myself to sit and think be like feeding my soul though? I have spent a good majority of this year running from my thoughts. If I don't think about it, it can't upset me. It can not cause me any apprehension, doubtfulness or uncertainty. I can just go about my days faking that I am happy, pretending life hasn't knocked me down.

That's just it though. If I didn't allow myself to meditate over life, then I have no way to get back up on my feet. Therefore, this process of gathering one's thought really does feed the soul and nurtures you.

I think that is why I am finally, after six months, okay with thinking about what has happened. To say that I haven't thought about it is a bit of an exaggeration. I have thought and talked about it a lot. I have gone through the motions of getting through life.

Once I learned to actually allow myself to truly contemplate all this, I started feeling better. Yes, I had to make decisions. I had to figure out what was best for the kids. That's where I stopped though. I didn't truly allow myself to think about how all this had effected me as a person, only how it would effect the kids. However, about a month or two ago, I actually thought about everything without pushing any unpleasant thoughts from my head. I went to bed, feeling down. The amazing thing was the next day, I woke up feeling refreshed. It's like my body truly needed that. It was like....meditation.

And the more I allowed myself to do that, the happier I became. Not the fake happy that I had been pretending to be, but honest to goodness happy.

Where am I going with all this? I have no clue. I mentioned I was in a thoughtful mood right? Well, there is one thing I do know. I am gonna just sit here, with my glass of milk and fresh baked cookies, and think about life: past, present, and future. And I am just gonna smile. I am gonna smile because even though my life hast had its bumps in the road, I still win. I win because I can think about the bumps in the road, and come out in the end, still smiling.

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