Wednesday, July 7, 2010

6 months later

I has been exactly 6 months since my world turned upside down. When my husband broke the news to me, I remember feeling lost, broken, confused, frustrated, and alone. I didn't know what move to make next, let alone how I was going to make it through the day. I didn't know how I would ever recover from this brutal blow I had taken in my life. Suddenly, I was left feeling helpless, not knowing who I was.

Now looking back, I am not sure how in only six months I have become the person I have become. I definitely could not have done it without the help and support of God, my family, and my friends. However, I am still a little bit baffled at how I have made it so far in so little time. I have friends that are going through the same things, and for some reason, they look to me for support. It is weird because all I did was what I had to do.

I had to get by. I had to move on. I HAD TO BE STRONG. To be completely honest, none of it was for me. I had to do it for my kids. I had to make decisions that were forced on me that were best for them. And what was best for them was to have a physically, mentally, emotionally, spiritually healthy mother. So when I am asked how I do it every day without having breakdowns, I simply say, because I had to.

Now, don't get me wrong. I have had my fair share of breakdowns. There have been days when I don't want to get up in the morning. There have been days that I hear a song on the radio and have to pull the car over because the lyrics evoke such strong emotions. There have been days that I wake up crying and don't know why, and often, find it hard to stop.

But I take a deep breath, think of something that brings me joy, and do something for myself that day. Whether it is a long walk, a cup of coffee, or a long conversation with a friend.....I do something that makes me happy. That is the only way I have figured out how to get through those days.

I had a long conversation with a friend the other day. He is also going through a divorce. He was talking about recovery, wondering when he would ever feel completely recovered from what his ex wife did to him. The word recovery really got me thinking. I had told him that night that I thought that some people never fully recover from such a life changing event. Some do, but some don't. I thought about it for a few days and I realize exactly what I meant by that statement.

The definition of recovery is "to return to an original state". By saying that we recover from such a life changing event, is saying that we become the person we were before. I do not really think that is possible.

Do we move on?

Do we make it through?

Do we survive?

Does our life completely change?

We cannot recover because there is no way to go back to the person we were before. The events and circumstances that have occurred in our life change us. So, to say that we can return to an original state is impossible because we are a changed being.

This is not necessarily a bad thing. I know that personally, I will never be the person I was six months ago, nor do I want to be that person.

That person was meek, afraid to show her feelings and afraid to stand up for herself.

Today, I am strong.

That person was ashamed of who she was and who she had become.

Today, I am confident.

That person felt like a failure in her marriage and in life.

Today, I feel successful.

That person felt ugly, both inside and out.

Today, I feel beautiful.

So, my point in all this rambling is this. Six months ago, my life changed. It was not of my doing or my will. My life changed and I did not have any choice but to accept it. So because of that, I am a changed person.

To put it in a cheesy, poetic form, I have gone through metamorphism. I am a butterfly. So I am gonna spread my wings and fly. (Sorry, I had to do it.)

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