Moving On

What exactly does it mean to move on with your life?

I believe in the phase I am at in my life, that most people would say that it means I am ready to move on to a new relationship. Why does moving on always seem to mean something serious? Can't it just mean that you feel like you are finally starting to be happy again? Can't it mean that you are rediscovering who you are? I mean, those are ways that we move on, right?

If I tell people that I feel like I am ready to move on with my life, they automatically assume that I am ready to start looking for my next husband. Is it that horrible that I feel like I might be ready to date someone? Is it horrible to be ready to date, and yet, nowhere close to looking for your new "Mr. Right"? Why is it that I get reactions like, "It hasn't even been a year yet."? I guess I didn't realize there was a time line for when it is ok.

Let me start over before I go on a tangent.

So obviously the beginning is my marriage and divorce. (Not the beginning exactly, but the beginning of where it would be relevant to what I am talking about.)

First, I need to point something out. I would have died trying to make my marriage work.

No matter how unhappy I was.
No matter how much I got ignored.
No matter how unloved I felt.
Not matter what happened or what he did.
No matter how lonely I felt everyday.

I literally would have dedicated my life to preserving my marriage vows. I would have stuck it out and worked on it forever.

WHY?

There are so many answers to this question. I don't believe in divorce. I believe that when you stand in front of God, your family and friends, that you make a promise that means forever. I promised to God and to my husband that till death do us part, I would honor my wedding vows. And I would have, if it had been my choice, that is.

I would have tried for my kids sake. My kids deserve to be raised in a home with two loving parents. I never wanted to have kids who came from a "broken home", as some people like to call it. I have seen how difficult it is for kids who come from divorced families. I never wanted that for my kids.

The main reason I would have died trying to make my marriage work is because I loved him. I fell in love with him quickly. I loved him all the way up till the day he told me he didn't love me anymore. I loved him, and for me that was reason enough to make it work.

I really do have a point.

The point is that none of this was my choice. It wasn't my decision. I DID NOT want any of this. I would have been perfectly fine living my life with my two kids and my husband in the life I had gotten accustomed to.

Some people may think that I gave up fighting too quickly. The first few months, I would tell him all the time that the door was open anytime he changed his mind. I would tell him that every time we talked. I used to talk to him continuously about what happened and what I could have done differently. I would ask him to go to counseling and he refused to try. I know women that after a year are still trying to convince their husbands to make it work. I always thought I would be one of those women.

So What Changed?

I can tell you the exact moment things changed. One day, I was at the house after I moved into the apartment. I was sorting through our boxes of stuff, separating what I was taking with me. I was having a hard time because there were a lot of memories in the boxes I was going through. I went upstairs to talk to him. we were having a typical conversation that was a repeat of many we had been having. I was asking him if I could have done anything differently. I was asking him if he had reconsidered counseling. (I should point out that his back was to me on the computer, as usual. Maybe that doesn't need to be pointed out, but I can't lie, I am still a little bitter over that computer.) I was expecting the same answers that I had been getting since the separation, except this time he completely threw me for a loop.

He actually turned from the computer to face me and he stared at me for a second. The words that came out of his mouth are words that I will probably never forget. He said, "I don't know how to say this any clearer so that you can understand this without hurting you more. I can't stand to be around you."

OUCH!

That is the moment I gave up. I don't know if it was as much the words he spoke, as it was the seriousness in his eyes. So I went home and I cried. I probably cried harder that day than I did the first day when he said he didn't love me anymore. That day I knew he was serious. I KNEW without a doubt that my marriage was over and there was nothing I could do about it.

I still prayed for a few months after that for him to have a change of heart. Even my prayers were half hearted though because I knew he was just plain done with me and our marriage.

Yes, I still believed.......no BELIEVE....that God does work miracles. God is amazing. God has a plan. God loves me and does not want this for me.

God also gave us free will. Unfortunately, my husband's free will may not make the choices that God would want.

Moving on.......

I made a decision that night, that whether I wanted to or not, I HAD to move on with my life. I HAD to do this for my kid's sake, and mine. I knew that I couldn't be a good mother if I kept moping about. I had to get myself happy and healthy in order to be able to care for them the way they need to be cared for.

In the beginning, it was getting myself healthy again.

Physically
Mentally
Emotionally

After that, it was rediscovering who I was.

What made me happy.
What made me sad.
Even, what I like to do for fun.

Now, nine months later, I feel good. I still have my days, don't get me wrong. I am Happy. I feel like I can finally move on. I feel like I can date. I am not talking about finding someone to spend the rest of my life with. I am talking about going out and having a good time. I am talking more about figuring out what I want with my life. I am talking about learning to trust again. I am talking about moving on.

Pure and Simple.

Please don't criticize me because you think it's too soon. If I told you I was going to be getting married, then, you could tell me it is too soon.

Right now, I just need to be happy. I am not going to do anything stupid. I am not going to rush into anything super serious. I am going to live for the here and now. I am not going to worry about what anyone thinks of me, or the choices I make. The choices I make are for me to decide. I know when its right. I know how I feel. I know what is healthy for me. So if I feel like I am ready to "move on", then let the choice be mine.

The Serenity Prayer

God Grant me the serenity

to accept the things I cannot change;

courage to change the things I can;

and wisdom to know the difference.

Living one day at a time;

Enjoying one moment at a time;

Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace;

Taking, as He did, this sinful world

as it is, not as I would have it;

Trusting that He will make all things right

if I surrender to His will;

That I may be reasonably happy in this life

and supremely happy with Him

Forever in the next.

Amen

Misplaced Anger?

It was recently brought to my attention that maybe some of my anger is misplaced on the wrong things rather than on what is actually the root cause. That may be true. Well, actually, I KNOW that is true.

For example, I absolutely hate......no, DESPISE the game World of Warcraft. Seeing that game, even hearing people talk about that game, stirs up emotions and memories that I cannot control. I can't help but hate that game with a passion.

When I see someone playing WoW, I remember getting yelled at for asking a question or trying to talk to my husband while he was playing it. I remember getting completely ignored for years while that game was the background noise for hours and hours on end. I remember feeling helpless when my kids tried to get his attention while the game seemed to be the only thing that mattered. I remember feeling all alone in the hospital room while in labor with my son the night before he was born because my husband had to go home and play that game.

Oh, yes, I will definitely agree that my anger is displaced. I have blamed WoW for my marriage breaking up. I have blamed WoW for a lot. I hate WoW. I detest. I despise WoW. Even after all the hurt I have endured, I cannot hate him. It is so much easier to hate that game.

So, it may be misplaced anger and hatred, but I will forever HATE that game. To me, hating an object is so much easier and healthier than hating a person that you loved for 10 years.

Listen to me

Anyone that has had any contact with me in the last 9 months, can attest to the fact that it has not been easy for me. There are even times now that I may look put together on the outside, but on the inside, I am a complete mess. I have a way of pretending that everything in my life is perfect, when in fact, I can't even understand the emotions inside of me. For example, the last few weeks I have felt so incredibly depressed, but instead of talking to someone, I just bottle it up inside.

I am not sure why I feel like I have to bottle up my feelings and emotions. Maybe its because I don't even know why I am depressed. Maybe it is because it is just easier that way because no one looks at you like you are pathetic or feels sorry for you. No one tries to make you talk when you obviously don't want to. No one is going to criticize how you feel. No one is going to try and give you advice, or worse yet, try and sympathise with you when they have no clue how you are feeling.

I am not sure why people can't get it. Sometimes, people just need some one to listen to them. You don't need to say anything at all. Just listen to me so I can get it out.

And a hug. Sometimes, that is all you can do and it is all that I want.

Seasons

Seasons come and go, just like phases in your life. You have spring, beautiful and breezy, with life starting to grow everywhere. Then you have summertime, hot and humid, but full of fun and enjoyment. Fall is beautiful at the beginning, but cold and damp in the end. Then there is winter. Winter is cold, but beautiful in its own way. I think I can put my life so far into these seasons pretty easily.

The first part of my life was quite obviously spring. It is easy to put my childhood into springtime. Spring is full of life starting to grow. When I remember spring growing up, I remember finally getting to run and play outside. I have so many memories that took place in the springtime. As a child, you are so excited cause summer is almost here.

Summertime, would be the time between high school and when I got married. That is the time in my life, as it is with most young adults, that was filled with fun and enjoyment. Though some of the choices I made in that time were not necessarily good decisions, I had fun. Everyone knows that summertime is full of excitement and new things, just as my life at the time was excitement and fun and new things.


I would definitely put the years I was married into fall. Fall is beautiful in the beginning. The leaves are changing and the weather is usually perfect. Yes, there are a few cold days in the beginning of fall, but mostly you have nice days. The same can be said for the beginning of my marriage. I have so many good memories from the beginning of my marriage. The unfortunate thing about fall is that it ushers in winter. The end of fall is cold, and, if you want to get technical, the leaves that were so beautiful in the beginning of fall, were actually dying. Seems harsh, but the leaves were doomed from the beginning. I often wonder if you can say that about my marriage, as horrible and awful as that may sound.

Winter, is quite obviously the time in my life I have been experiencing this year....cold and dark. That may be a little bit of an exaggeration, but there were times when it felt that way. However, winter can also be beautiful, even though it is cold, with the newly fallen snow. I can think of many things that have happened through out this year that have been great, even beautiful. So even though it has been a rough, cold, long road, there have been some good moments.

And the best thing about winter is that it brings in spring. And spring is, of course, new life.

My favorite time of the year

People often ask me how I can spend so much time out at the Elkhart County 4-H Fair. It is true you have to wait in long lines to park just to walk a long way to get in the gates, and then tote around kids that tend to get grumpy when they get hot and tired. Then you have to fight long lines to ride rides and to get food. Even with all that, I love the fair. The fair for me, is not just about the food and riding rides. (Not that those aren't GREAT reasons to go!)

The biggest reason is probably because I was raised spending time at the fair. It's in my blood. I love to be there and walk around. It brings back so many memories. Almost all of those memories, are with my family. Mom, Dad, Kenny and Amanda are a good portion of those memories. Then, of course, there is Uncle John and Uncle Lee. It wasn't the fair without them being around too. Some of the people that I am closest to now, 11 years out of 4-H, are of my friends I made in 4-H. My best friend today, Sarah, was the first friend I made in 4-H. Who knew 22 Years after we first met at the age of 8, that she would become my dearest and closest friend?


The memories I cherish the most from 4-H though, are of my grandfather. He loved the 4-H fair. He could always be counted on to be there any time we were showing, no matter what we were showing. He could also be counted on to buy us donuts when mom and dad said we couldn't have any more money. (Or anything else we wanted, for that matter.) I cherish those memories of my grandfather more than any of the other memories I have of him. I think that's because, in his own quiet way, he loved the fair more than any of us. He may not of said it, but we all knew how proud of us he was when we did well.

So other than the fun and the food, there are so many more reasons that I love the fair. I love what 4-H stands for. I love the lifetime lessons that it teaches kids. I love going to the fair grounds and having a reunion every year. Mostly though, I just love the memories I have there.

My kids aren't old enough to be 4-Her's yet. However, I already know they will be. They both love the fair and animals, just as much as I do. I can only hope, that in 20 years, they can go back to visit and have just as many cherished memories of family and friends as I do.

To Hope

To Hope
By John Keats


When by my solitary hearth I sit,
And hateful thoughts enwrap my soul in gloom;
When no fair dreams before my 'mind's eye' flit,
And the bare heath of life presents no bloom;
Sweet Hope, ethereal balm upon me shed,
And wave thy silver pinions o'er my head.

Where're I wander, at the fall of night,
Where woven boughs shut out the moon's bright ray.
Should sad Despondency my musings fright,
And frown, to drive fair Cheerfulness away,
Peep with the moon-beams through the leafy roof
And keep that fiend Despondence far aloof.

Should Disappointment, parent of Despair,
Strive for her son to seize my careless heart;
When, like a cloud, he sits upon the air,
Preparing on his spell-bound prey to dart:
Chace him away, sweet Hope, with visage bright,
And fright him as the morning frightens night!.

Whene'er the fate of those I hold most dear
Tells to my fearful breast a tale of sorrow,
O bright-eyes Hope, my morbid fancy cheer;
Let me awhile thy sweetest comforts borrow:
Thy heaven-born radiance around me shed,
And wave thy silver ponions o'er my head!

Should e'er unhappy love my bosom pain,
From cruel parents, or relentless fair;
O let me think it is not quite in vain
To sigh out sonnets to the midnight air!
Sweet Hope, ethereal balm upon me shed,
And wave thy silver pinions o'er my head!

In the long vista of the years roll,
Let me not see our country's honour fade:
O let me see our land retain her soul,
Her pride, her freedom; and not freedom's shade.
From thy bright eyes unusual brightness shed---
Beneath thy pinions canopy my head!

Let me not see the patriot's high bequest,
Great Liberty! how great in plain attire!
With the base purple of a court oppress'd,
Bowing her head, and ready to expire:
But let me see thee stoop from heaven on wings
That fill the skies with silver glitterings!

And as, in sparkling majesty, a star
Gilds the bright summit of some gloomy cloud;
Brightening the half veil'd face of heaven afar:
So, when dark thoughts my boding spirit shroud,
Sweet Hope, celestial influence round me shed,
Waving thy silver pinions o'er my head!