MY GIVE A DAMN'S BUSTED

Well, you filled up my head with so many lies.
You twisted my heart till somethin' snapped inside.
I'd like to give it one more try,
But my give-a-damn's busted.

You can crawl back home, say you were wrong
Stand out in the yard and cry all night long.
Well, go ahead and water the lawn
My give-a-damn's busted.



I really wanna care
I wanna feel somethin'.
Let me dig a little deeper.
No, sorry nothin'.

You can say you've got issues, you can say you're a victim.
It's all your parents fault, after all you didn't pick 'em.
Maybe somebody else has got time to listen
My give-a-damn's busted.

Well, your therapist says it was all a mistake
A product of the Prozac an' your co-dependent ways.
So who's your neighbor these days?
My give-a-damn's busted.

I really wanna care.
I wanna feel somethin'.
Let me dig a little deeper:.
No, still nothin'.

It's a desperate situation, no tellin' what you'll do.
If I don't forgive you, you say your life is through.
C'mon, gimme somethin' I can use:
My give-a-damn's busted.

Well, I really wanna care.
I wanna feel somethin'.
Let me dig a little deeper:
No, I'm sorry.
Still nothin', you know.

You've really done it this time, ha, ha.
My give-a-damn's busted.

AMAZING QUOTE

Even though you may want to move forward in your life, you may have one foot on the brakes. In order to be free, we must learn how to let go. Release the hurt. Release the fear. Refuse to entertain your old pain. The energy it takes to hang onto the past is holding you back from a new life. What is it you would let go of today?" - Mary Manin Morrissey

The single most Powerful question you can ask.....

Seriously, Read this. It is pretty cool. I stole it off my friends Blog, but it makes you think. When you are done reading it feel free to comment on what you asnswers to the question might be.


http://donmilleris.com/2010/03/25/the-single-most-powerful-question-you-can-ask/

My Bucket List

So.......as promised, here is my bucket list. Some things are way out there and some things are not. some are so completely random, you may laugh. But here it is....my bucket list. (Keep in mind that this is things for me and not the kids. They are always my first and primary responsibility. But I wanted this list to be a list for ME.) It's a short list and I might add to it, but here goes nothing.

• I want to go back to college and get my degree. (In what I don't know yet.)

  I want to go sailing.

  I want to fall in love again with someone that will appreciate me for me.

  I want to know what its like to feel that same love in return.

  I wanna go camping. (Haven't been since I was a kid.)

  I wanna go skydiving.

  I wanna visit another country cause I have never been out of the United States.

  I wanna take a Vacation Every Summer with my kids.

  I want to get in my car and just drive somewhere on a road trip. I wanna be spontaneous for once in my life!

My Lovable Little Comedian

What is the best way to be woke up in the morning? People could think of lots of things I am sure, but yesterday morning, I was woke up by what has to be the sweetest thing ever. My 2 year old son, Logan, crawled into bed with me making a fish faced kissing sound. "Mwah Mwah." I opened my eyes and he gave me a great big wet kiss on the lips, and then rolled over and snuggled up against me. I put my arm around him and hugged him. He responded by saying, " yuv ou too mommy." I love that little boy.

It amazes me that my two kids can be so incredibly different, in both looks and personality. While my Christina is Tall and skinny, Logan is short and stocky. Christina has hazel eyes and Logan has brown eyes. Logan is blond haired and white as a ghost, while Christina is dark complected with even darker hair. And if their looks weren't different enough, their personalities are even more different. Christina, my smart, sassy, intelligent, bossy little girl, thinks she controls everything my Lovable comedian does. But she is wrong. Logan has a way of getting her to do what he wants without saying a word, and without her even knowing she is doing what he wants.

When I say my little man is a comedian, I mean he is always laughing and smiling. Always has been. All he has to do is look at you with that goofy little grin and it melts your heart and then it makes you laugh. It is not possible to not be happy when Loggie Bear is in a good mood. And when he discovers something that makes you laugh, he does it over and over and over again. Somehow, every time he does it, it gets funnier and funnier.

I would hate to think what life would be like without him. It makes me mad that some people have questioned how he got here "since Chad hasn't loved you in over 4 years." I usually stop them. I REFUSE to think of my son like that. I don't care how he got here. Don't even want to think about it.

What I wanna think about is the fact that in the 30 minutes I have spent writing this, I have gotten about fifteen kisses, five hugs and a "wuv ou too mommy." Those are the thoughts that get me through the days. Those are the memories that I will take with me forever. Those are the things that make life matter, cause without these 2 kids, I am nothing. My imperfect life is so perfect when my kids are around.

My Sassy Little Smarty Pants

I spent and hour in the car with my daughter Christina yesterday. She is a very interesting little girl. She is five and a true thinker. She has all the qualities of truly intelligent people, including no social skills and a very dry sense of humor. Now when I say no social skills, I mean that she runs and hides when she meets children she doesn't know and she has been know to scream when adults she doesn't know talk to her. And when I say she has a dry sense of humor, I mean, for example, that most kids at her age love knock knock jokes. This is how the knock knock joke went the other day that I told her:

Me: Hey Christina, KNOCK KNOCK

Christina: (Sighs) who's there?

Me: Banana

Christina: Banana Who?

Me: KNOCK KNOCK

Christina: Mommy Who's there?

Me: Banana

Christina: You already said that.

Me: I know but you gotta say Banana Who

Christina: (Another, longer sigh) Banana Who?

(Generally I would do the banana a few more times, but decided to end the joke)

Me: KNOCK KNOCK

Christina: (Extremely Exasperated at this point) WHO'S THERE!?

Me: Orange

Christina: Orange who

Me: Orange you glad I didn't say banana again?

Christina: YES I AM

Normal five year olds would find this joke funny. My beautiful daughter found it irritating. So I have learned that knock knock jokes are a bad thing to tell Christina cause they are apparently annoying.

So back to the car ride yesterday. We are driving to North Webster to take the kids to my mom at work. Logan has passed out cold and its just me and Christina. Have you ever been in the car with a five year old for an hour of non stop talking? It can be highly entertaining. The car ride started out with my daughter having issues with her seat belt. I am starting the car as I hear "stupid Freakin thing!" I knew it was gonna be an interesting ride. We didn't get five minutes down the road when I hear "Mommy, Mommy?" When I answered she says, " Did you know that sharks never run out of teeth?" And then another two minutes pass and I hear, "Mommy, Mommy?" (Why she always has to say it twice I am not sure, but it can get a little irritating after a while!) I answer and she says, " Did you know that octopuses can feel and taste at the same time? And did you know they squirt ink?" Oh boy, they just learned about sea creatures in school, so I know I am about to get a complete run down of every oceanic animal she knows.

I love that my daughter loves to learn knew things. But I often wonder if a 5 year old should really know the meaning of the word DILAPIDATED. Really? I was an English major in school and I don't use that word in conversation.

Christina being so smart is sometimes highly humorous, as well. She has to think every thing through. A five year old that thinks before she speaks is funny to watch because she may be smart, but she is still five. So it doesn't always come out the way she had planned it and heaven forbid you laugh when she says something funny, especially if it wasn't meant to be funny.

I really love that smart little sassy girl. I love her so much. Even on the days she is 5 going on 15. My life wouldn't be the same without her.

THE TRUTH IS OUT.....SATAN IS LYING TO US ALL!

I saw a counselor today for the first time since the first week of our separation. It is interesting how just talking to someone helps you sort through some feelings. At one point he stopped me and said why are you lying to yourself? What do you mean, I asked him. He said I was contradicting myself and needed to quit believing the lies I have been told about me. So Here I have been blaming myself for something and convinced that I could do this better and then reality slaps me in the face. What is the truth? Why Have I been convinced that this is true? When did I start believing what others said about me? Where along my path did reality vanish and I let the Lies become who I thought I was?

Whoa......The answer was easy once I stopped to think about it. Satan is lying to us. Its like he whispers in our ears lie after lie after lie. His lies can come from anywhere, even people we love or care for telling us the lies. Eventually, we hear the lie so much that we start believe the lie. It can be a big lie or it can be a small lie, but a lie is a lie no matter how big or small. Satan is a liar and he is determined to make us falter in our paths.

Well, Satan, you have been found out. I will no longer believe your lies. I know and believe that you are a liar. I believe in God and His redeeming mercy and grace. I believe in His love for me. I believe that He is working in my life and the lives of those I love. I believe that His son Died on the cross for me and I want the whole word to know that that is what I think! I believe in His Personal Promise to me. Jeremiah 29:11 says, "For I know the plans I have for you declares the Lord, Plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you a hope and a Future."

I am not perfect. Nobody is perfect. The only Man who was ever perfect was hung on a cross so that I can be forgiven for not being perfect. That is the TRUTH!

New Life at 30

This is all very new to me. I have never been a blogger. Been a facebook addict for over two years, but never a blogger. So why now when everyone else is facebooking? Well I have two reasons actually. The first is that I am a writer. Well, actually I am a wanna be writer. Probably a fantasy of mine since I was in High school and first discovered Shakespeare. That's when my love of English started, but I think my love for writing started earlier. I may not be very good at it but I enjoy doing it. So This is gonna be a place for me to write, or express myself however I want.

The second reason is that I am starting my life over again and I just turned 30 last week. So I am starting a new life, not of my choosing, at an age when most people are starting to settle down. So why not try something new. And, I wanted to be able to express myself a little but more than I can on facebook in a more creative outlet. So, here I am writing my very first blog.

You might ask what the reasoning behind starting a new life is and why I didn't choose it. Well the answer to that happened on January 5th of this year. My husband told me he wanted to separate and didn't love me anymore, hasn't in fact, for well over four years. Well, I didn't want my husband to fall out of love with me. I didn't want a divorce, in the beginning. After he told me, I tried to convince myself he would change his mind and try to work on our marriage. I think that all along, I knew that he was set. Chad is the type of man that once he makes a decision to do something, he is set, even if he starts to have regrets. No one will probably ever know that he has regrets, if he does.

So I moved out within a week actually. I got an apartment and new (rented) furniture and moved me and the kids out. I didn't give up right away, I prayed to God and I kept hoping. I thought of nothing but convincing him to change his mind and doing what was best for my two beautiful kids. I didn't even think of myself. I actually thought of myself so little that I wouldn't eat for days. I think I lost 20 pounds that month. Not that I didn't have the extra weight to lose, but I didn't lose it in a healthy way, and I didn't do it on purpose.

So that brings us to the first week in February. One night I had a breakdown on the phone with my friend Andres. I was tired, and not very healthy. I had been trying so hard to be strong for my kids. I was trying to be strong at work. I was trying to be strong for me. I had a couple glasses of wine....ok...I had a whole bottle of wine. And completely broke down for the first time since my husband told me his news. Fortunately, I have an amazing friend in Andres and he just listened. He didn't really try to give me advice. He just encouraged me and LISTENED! So many people have just wanted to give me advice. ADVICE! ADVICE! ADVICE! I am so sick of advice right now. For the first time, someone just listened.

The next day I woke up and I felt renewed. I had a new goal in life. I was gonna rediscover me. No more waiting for Chad to change his mind. No more sitting at home when The kids aren't here. This is the Rediscover Mindy Phase in my life. When I have the kids, its all about them. They are the two most beautiful things in this world. God blessed me with them and they are truly awesome gifts. I would do anything for those two little darlings.

So what did that mean? First, it meant I needed to start feeling good about myself again. I needed to appreciate me and love myself again. I was feeling good about all the weight I lost, but I needed to continue it in a more healthy fashion. So I have been working out 2 times a week, whether it is a jog/walk in the morning when the kids or gone, or an afternoon of tae bow with my son. (I should point out that it is extremely fun to do tae bow with a two year old.) Since I work in a restaurant, I have been trying to eat salads instead of the oh so yummy pizza that I usually eat every day of the week. I have lost 32 pounds total so far and I feel good. Eventually I will work out more, but I gotta work up to that since my body is soooo not used to it. The second part of the new me, was a day of pampering. I got a new hairstyle and color, and I got a body wrap with my BFF Sarah. Body wraps are awesome because they not only take off inches, but they make your skin so soft. They make my skin feel so soft that I wanna feel myself all day long. :) The last part of feeling good about myself was to not "let myself go" again. So No leaving the house with a hat on anymore, which had become quite common because I have to wear a hat to work. So now, petty and teenager-ish as it may be, I don't leave the house without my hair done and a little bit of make up on. I have always been told that if you look good, you feel good. Well, I have discovered how true that statement really is.

So now, we are to March. Phase one of rediscovering Mindy is started. I am already starting to feel good about myself. I can look in the mirror again and think I look pretty. Now what? Well, over the last ten years that I have been with my husband, I have lost a little part of me along the way. So now I have been trying to do more things that I used to enjoy doing. Things that I forgot that I enjoyed doing. I have a list of things I want to do. Its still in the works actually, a bucket list as you might prefer to call it. When its complete I might share it. One of the biggest things is to do something wild and crazy. Okay so maybe not wild and crazy, though I did consider getting a tattoo but at the end of the day, even that is too crazy for me. So instead of wild and crazy, we'll say that I wanna do something adventurous and spontaneous. Something that is so totally not in my personality to do. Obviously, in order for it to be spontaneous, I can't plan it so when I do it, I will fill you in on the details.

This blog is part of the rediscovering Mindy. I love to write so this is where I am gonna do it. I am gonna be free and creative. I don't know where this blog will take me, but I am excited about it. It's gonna be fabulous!