Baking Cookies with Christina

Recipe for Chocolate Chip Cookies (with no nuts and with White Brown Chocolate Chips, as I was told specifically many times.)

Step 1: Mix the 2 1/4 c Flour, 1 tsp Baking Soda, and 1 tsp Salt in a small bowl.

Christina: "Mommy, why do you put salt in cookies? Cookies are supposed to be sweet."
Me: "Because the recipe calls for it."

Step 2: Beat 3/4 c Sugar, 3/4 c brown sugar, 1 tsp vanilla and 1 c butter in a large bowl.

Christina: "That's a lot of sugar mommy."
Me: "Yes, Christina. That's because cookies are supposed to be sweet."
Christina: "But there is salt in there."
Me: "Yes, I know there is salt in there."

Step 3: Beat in 2 Large Eggs, one at a time.

Christina: "Mommy, I can do that I know how."
Me: "Okay Christina, I will beat it while you put in the eggs."
Christina: "Oops, I don't think the shell is supposed to get in there."
Me: "That's okay, I will get it out."

Step 4: Gradually mix dry ingredients into the wet ingredients.

Me: "Christina, I am gonna mix it while you put a little bit of the flour into my bowl. Can you do that."
Christina: "Yes, Mommy. Like this?"
Me: "A little bit more than that at a time."
Christina: "Okay. Like this?"
Me: "Well, kinda. I didn't mean pour the whole bowl in there."
Christina: "Will it still taste like cookie dough?"
Me: "Yes. It will all mix together the same."

Step 5: Mix in One 12 oz bag of Chocolate chips.

Me: "Okay, Christina. We are going to put in half of the Brown Chips and half of the White ones."
Christina: "Okay, Mommy. I got it."
Me: "Oh Christina! I said half not all!"
Christina: "Sorry, Mommy."
Me: "That's okay. We like lots of Chocolate chips in our cookies anyways."

Step 6: Put the cookies in spoonfuls onto the cookie sheets.

Christina: "Mommy can I lick both spoons when we are done?"
Me: "No Christina, there are raw eggs in cookie Batter."

(Christina licks the spoon anyways, and proceeds to try and use the same spoon to scoop up cookie dough.)

Me: "Christina, WAIT! You have to get a new spoon. You can't use the same spoon after you lick it. Other people are going to be eating these."

(Christina gets a new spoon and continues to help put the dough on the cookie sheets. This time she learns her lesson, and licks her fingers instead. Then continues to try and use the same fingers to help out.)

Me: "Christina, you need to wash your hands. You cannot lick your fingers and then stick them back in the cookie dough."
Christina: "Okay mommy. Why?"
Me: "Because other people don't want your germs."

(Christina washes her hands and then licks the spoon again.)

Me: "Christina! Get a new spoon please."
Me: "Christina, please wash your hands again."
Me: "Get a new spoon."

Step 7: Bake the cookies for 9-11 minutes at 375 degrees.

Me: "Logan, this is hot."
Logan: "Mommy, hot! hot! hot!"
Me: "Yes Logan I know. Good job!"

(I proceed to clean up as the kids Patiently wait for the cookies.)

Christina: "Logan do you want Chocolate Chip Cookies?"
Logan: "Hot, Tina Hot!"
Christina: "Yes, I know Logie the oven is hot.....Mommy are the cookies done yet?"
Logan: "Hot! Hot! Hot!"
Me: "Yes, Logan, the oven is hot. Christina the cookies aren't done yet. You have to be patient."
Logan: "Eat a cookie?"
Christina: "Logan, you have to be patient. The cookies aren't done yet."
Christina: "Mommy, can I have a cookie yet?"
Logan: "That's hot."

(I think you get the picture.)

Step 8: ENJOY!




****We have about 3 dozen White and Brown Chocolate Chip Cookies (with no nuts) to share with anyone that wants some. I cannot guarantee that they don't have egg shells in them, or that they were not put on the cookie sheet using a licked spoon or fingers. What I CAN promise you is that they have LOTS of Chocolate chips in them and that they were made with lots of love.****

Starts With Goodbye

This song has meant a lot to me over the last year. Thought I would just share it with everyone.



"Starts With Goodbye"
by Carrie Underwood

I was sitting on my doorstep,
I hung up the phone and it fell out of my hand,
But I knew I had to do it,
And he wouldn't understand,
So hard to see myself without him,
I felt a piece of my heart break,
But when you're standing at a crossroad,
There's a choice you gotta make.

[Chorus:]
I guess it's gonna have to hurt,
I guess I'm gonna have to cry,
And let go of some things I've loved,
To get to the other side,
I guess it's gonna break me down,
Like falling when you try to fly,
It's sad, but sometimes moving on with the rest of your life,
Starts with goodbye.

I know there's a blue horizon,
Somewhere up ahead, just waiting for me,
Getting there means leaving things behind,
Sometimes life's so bitter sweet.

[Chorus:]
I guess it's gonna have to hurt,
I guess I'm gonna have to cry,
And let go of some things I've loved,
To get to the other side,
I guess it's gonna break me down,
Like falling when you try to fly,
It's sad, but sometimes moving on with the rest of your life,
Starts with goodbye.

Time, time heals,
The wounds that you feel,
Somehow, right now.

[Chorus:]
I guess it's gonna have to hurt,
I guess I'm gonna have to cry,
And let go of some things I've loved,
To get to the other side,
I guess it's gonna break me down,
Like falling when you try to fly,
It's sad, but sometimes moving on with the rest of your life,
Starts with goodbye,
I guess I'm gonna have to cry,
And let go of some things I've loved,
To get to the other side,
Starts with goodbye,
The only way you try to find,
Moving on with the rest of your life,
Starts with goodbye,
Na na na na na na na.

Moving On

What exactly does it mean to move on with your life?

I believe in the phase I am at in my life, that most people would say that it means I am ready to move on to a new relationship. Why does moving on always seem to mean something serious? Can't it just mean that you feel like you are finally starting to be happy again? Can't it mean that you are rediscovering who you are? I mean, those are ways that we move on, right?

If I tell people that I feel like I am ready to move on with my life, they automatically assume that I am ready to start looking for my next husband. Is it that horrible that I feel like I might be ready to date someone? Is it horrible to be ready to date, and yet, nowhere close to looking for your new "Mr. Right"? Why is it that I get reactions like, "It hasn't even been a year yet."? I guess I didn't realize there was a time line for when it is ok.

Let me start over before I go on a tangent.

So obviously the beginning is my marriage and divorce. (Not the beginning exactly, but the beginning of where it would be relevant to what I am talking about.)

First, I need to point something out. I would have died trying to make my marriage work.

No matter how unhappy I was.
No matter how much I got ignored.
No matter how unloved I felt.
Not matter what happened or what he did.
No matter how lonely I felt everyday.

I literally would have dedicated my life to preserving my marriage vows. I would have stuck it out and worked on it forever.

WHY?

There are so many answers to this question. I don't believe in divorce. I believe that when you stand in front of God, your family and friends, that you make a promise that means forever. I promised to God and to my husband that till death do us part, I would honor my wedding vows. And I would have, if it had been my choice, that is.

I would have tried for my kids sake. My kids deserve to be raised in a home with two loving parents. I never wanted to have kids who came from a "broken home", as some people like to call it. I have seen how difficult it is for kids who come from divorced families. I never wanted that for my kids.

The main reason I would have died trying to make my marriage work is because I loved him. I fell in love with him quickly. I loved him all the way up till the day he told me he didn't love me anymore. I loved him, and for me that was reason enough to make it work.

I really do have a point.

The point is that none of this was my choice. It wasn't my decision. I DID NOT want any of this. I would have been perfectly fine living my life with my two kids and my husband in the life I had gotten accustomed to.

Some people may think that I gave up fighting too quickly. The first few months, I would tell him all the time that the door was open anytime he changed his mind. I would tell him that every time we talked. I used to talk to him continuously about what happened and what I could have done differently. I would ask him to go to counseling and he refused to try. I know women that after a year are still trying to convince their husbands to make it work. I always thought I would be one of those women.

So What Changed?

I can tell you the exact moment things changed. One day, I was at the house after I moved into the apartment. I was sorting through our boxes of stuff, separating what I was taking with me. I was having a hard time because there were a lot of memories in the boxes I was going through. I went upstairs to talk to him. we were having a typical conversation that was a repeat of many we had been having. I was asking him if I could have done anything differently. I was asking him if he had reconsidered counseling. (I should point out that his back was to me on the computer, as usual. Maybe that doesn't need to be pointed out, but I can't lie, I am still a little bitter over that computer.) I was expecting the same answers that I had been getting since the separation, except this time he completely threw me for a loop.

He actually turned from the computer to face me and he stared at me for a second. The words that came out of his mouth are words that I will probably never forget. He said, "I don't know how to say this any clearer so that you can understand this without hurting you more. I can't stand to be around you."

OUCH!

That is the moment I gave up. I don't know if it was as much the words he spoke, as it was the seriousness in his eyes. So I went home and I cried. I probably cried harder that day than I did the first day when he said he didn't love me anymore. That day I knew he was serious. I KNEW without a doubt that my marriage was over and there was nothing I could do about it.

I still prayed for a few months after that for him to have a change of heart. Even my prayers were half hearted though because I knew he was just plain done with me and our marriage.

Yes, I still believed.......no BELIEVE....that God does work miracles. God is amazing. God has a plan. God loves me and does not want this for me.

God also gave us free will. Unfortunately, my husband's free will may not make the choices that God would want.

Moving on.......

I made a decision that night, that whether I wanted to or not, I HAD to move on with my life. I HAD to do this for my kid's sake, and mine. I knew that I couldn't be a good mother if I kept moping about. I had to get myself happy and healthy in order to be able to care for them the way they need to be cared for.

In the beginning, it was getting myself healthy again.

Physically
Mentally
Emotionally

After that, it was rediscovering who I was.

What made me happy.
What made me sad.
Even, what I like to do for fun.

Now, nine months later, I feel good. I still have my days, don't get me wrong. I am Happy. I feel like I can finally move on. I feel like I can date. I am not talking about finding someone to spend the rest of my life with. I am talking about going out and having a good time. I am talking more about figuring out what I want with my life. I am talking about learning to trust again. I am talking about moving on.

Pure and Simple.

Please don't criticize me because you think it's too soon. If I told you I was going to be getting married, then, you could tell me it is too soon.

Right now, I just need to be happy. I am not going to do anything stupid. I am not going to rush into anything super serious. I am going to live for the here and now. I am not going to worry about what anyone thinks of me, or the choices I make. The choices I make are for me to decide. I know when its right. I know how I feel. I know what is healthy for me. So if I feel like I am ready to "move on", then let the choice be mine.

The Serenity Prayer

God Grant me the serenity

to accept the things I cannot change;

courage to change the things I can;

and wisdom to know the difference.

Living one day at a time;

Enjoying one moment at a time;

Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace;

Taking, as He did, this sinful world

as it is, not as I would have it;

Trusting that He will make all things right

if I surrender to His will;

That I may be reasonably happy in this life

and supremely happy with Him

Forever in the next.

Amen

Misplaced Anger?

It was recently brought to my attention that maybe some of my anger is misplaced on the wrong things rather than on what is actually the root cause. That may be true. Well, actually, I KNOW that is true.

For example, I absolutely hate......no, DESPISE the game World of Warcraft. Seeing that game, even hearing people talk about that game, stirs up emotions and memories that I cannot control. I can't help but hate that game with a passion.

When I see someone playing WoW, I remember getting yelled at for asking a question or trying to talk to my husband while he was playing it. I remember getting completely ignored for years while that game was the background noise for hours and hours on end. I remember feeling helpless when my kids tried to get his attention while the game seemed to be the only thing that mattered. I remember feeling all alone in the hospital room while in labor with my son the night before he was born because my husband had to go home and play that game.

Oh, yes, I will definitely agree that my anger is displaced. I have blamed WoW for my marriage breaking up. I have blamed WoW for a lot. I hate WoW. I detest. I despise WoW. Even after all the hurt I have endured, I cannot hate him. It is so much easier to hate that game.

So, it may be misplaced anger and hatred, but I will forever HATE that game. To me, hating an object is so much easier and healthier than hating a person that you loved for 10 years.

Listen to me

Anyone that has had any contact with me in the last 9 months, can attest to the fact that it has not been easy for me. There are even times now that I may look put together on the outside, but on the inside, I am a complete mess. I have a way of pretending that everything in my life is perfect, when in fact, I can't even understand the emotions inside of me. For example, the last few weeks I have felt so incredibly depressed, but instead of talking to someone, I just bottle it up inside.

I am not sure why I feel like I have to bottle up my feelings and emotions. Maybe its because I don't even know why I am depressed. Maybe it is because it is just easier that way because no one looks at you like you are pathetic or feels sorry for you. No one tries to make you talk when you obviously don't want to. No one is going to criticize how you feel. No one is going to try and give you advice, or worse yet, try and sympathise with you when they have no clue how you are feeling.

I am not sure why people can't get it. Sometimes, people just need some one to listen to them. You don't need to say anything at all. Just listen to me so I can get it out.

And a hug. Sometimes, that is all you can do and it is all that I want.

Seasons

Seasons come and go, just like phases in your life. You have spring, beautiful and breezy, with life starting to grow everywhere. Then you have summertime, hot and humid, but full of fun and enjoyment. Fall is beautiful at the beginning, but cold and damp in the end. Then there is winter. Winter is cold, but beautiful in its own way. I think I can put my life so far into these seasons pretty easily.

The first part of my life was quite obviously spring. It is easy to put my childhood into springtime. Spring is full of life starting to grow. When I remember spring growing up, I remember finally getting to run and play outside. I have so many memories that took place in the springtime. As a child, you are so excited cause summer is almost here.

Summertime, would be the time between high school and when I got married. That is the time in my life, as it is with most young adults, that was filled with fun and enjoyment. Though some of the choices I made in that time were not necessarily good decisions, I had fun. Everyone knows that summertime is full of excitement and new things, just as my life at the time was excitement and fun and new things.


I would definitely put the years I was married into fall. Fall is beautiful in the beginning. The leaves are changing and the weather is usually perfect. Yes, there are a few cold days in the beginning of fall, but mostly you have nice days. The same can be said for the beginning of my marriage. I have so many good memories from the beginning of my marriage. The unfortunate thing about fall is that it ushers in winter. The end of fall is cold, and, if you want to get technical, the leaves that were so beautiful in the beginning of fall, were actually dying. Seems harsh, but the leaves were doomed from the beginning. I often wonder if you can say that about my marriage, as horrible and awful as that may sound.

Winter, is quite obviously the time in my life I have been experiencing this year....cold and dark. That may be a little bit of an exaggeration, but there were times when it felt that way. However, winter can also be beautiful, even though it is cold, with the newly fallen snow. I can think of many things that have happened through out this year that have been great, even beautiful. So even though it has been a rough, cold, long road, there have been some good moments.

And the best thing about winter is that it brings in spring. And spring is, of course, new life.